
Buy Two and a Half Men
A hedonistic jingle writer's free-wheeling life comes to an abrupt halt when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move into his beach-front house.
The Harper brothers Charlie and Alan are almost opposites but form a great team. They have little in common except their dislike for their mundane, maternally cold and domineering mother, Evelyn. Alan, a compulsively neat chiropractor and control-freak, is thrown out by his manipulative wife Judith who nevertheless gets him to pay for everything and do most jobs in the house. Charlie is a freelance jingle composer and irresistible Cassanova who lives in a luxurious beach-house and rarely gets up before noon. Charlie "temporarily" allows Alan and his son Jake, a food-obsessed, lazy school kid who shuttles between his parents, to move in with them after Alan's separation/divorce. The sitcom revolves around their conflicting lifestyles, raising Jake (who has the efficient, caring dad while having a ball with his fun-loving sugar uncle who teaches him boyish things), and bantering with Evelyn and various other friends and family. Other fairly regular characters include Charlie's cleaning lady Berta and his rich, self-confessed stalker neighbor Rose who often sneaks in to spy on Charlie.
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Seasons
- Season 1 24 episodes
- Season 2 24 episodes
- Season 3 24 episodes
- Season 4 24 episodes
- Season 5 19 episodes
- Season 6 24 episodes
- Season 7 22 episodes
- Season 8 16 episodes
- Season 9 26 episodes
- Season 10 25 episodes
- Season 11 22 episodes
- Season 12 16 episodes
Episodes
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Alan is struggling to remember his…
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Alan is struggling to remember his password. Walden enters looking for dental floss. Alan has three kinds in his pocket. Walden helps him with his password.
Walden gets a Skype call from Bridget. His old business partner Billy Stanhope called her with a business proposition for Walden. He gets twitchy thinking about him. He tells her to tell him thanks but no thanks. After the call he thinks about Billy Stanhope and screams on the balcony causing Alan to shatter a plate in the kitchen.
He asks if everything is okay. Walden says it's fine. He explains they built a software company together and sold it for a couple of billion. Except Billy didn't want to sell and went crazy and posted his crazy rants about Walden on the Internet. He calls Walden a douche and a sell out and eats his picture. He also has videos where he literally "talks out his ass." Walden gets mad watching the videos and thinking about Billy. Alan says if Walden made him rich he'd lick him from head to toe.
The next day Billy shows up at the house. Walden slams the door in his face. Alan opens it. He calls himself Walden's confidante and mentor. Billy says Bridget mentioned him as "the leech." He asks if he can talk to Walden since he has another billion dollar idea. Alan invites him in. Billy spouts off some techno-babble and begs to talk to Walden for five minutes. Alan declines. He gives Alan 50 bucks. Alan goes to talk to him.
Walden is mad that Alan let him. He says he was distracted by the words "billion dollar idea." Alan tries to explain and can't come up with the words. Walden comes up with them and realized Billy figured out something big they'd been working on: the electric suitcase. Billy wants Walden's help writing the code. Walden throws back his words in his face and asks for an apology. He offers one and Walden tapes it on his phone. Walden wants him to dance like a monkey. They then get into a physical fight which Alan tries to break up. Jake enters as they grapple and says "I'm getting too old for this crap."
Disentangled, Alan tries to get them to shake hands. They refuse and start to bicker again. They shake. They start to reminisce about old fights. And start bickering again. And apologize again. They agree to try working on it and make a plan and talk more technobabble, Alan pretends he understands. Alan offers to make cookies.
He then goes to the bar and talks to the bartender about being dismissed to 7-11 for Red Bull and Hot Pockets. He's sad because he thought Walden was his best friend and it turns out Billy is. He's sad because he doesn't have any old friends from high school or camp or anything. And Lyndsey's on vacation. The bartender is sad he has no friends and says she doesn't count. Alan goes to visit Berta.
Walden and Billy work on the coding in the kitchen and argue who has to pee more. They start downing Red Bull competitively and taunting each other about their "girly bladders." They continue to taunt each other and struggle.
Alan has brought Berta soup because she's sick. She feigns a cough. He says friends should take care of each other. She says he has been in her life longer than both her husbands and most of her underwear. They hug. She hands off a package to someone at the door and gets a big wad of money. She asks him to go to address and hand off the envelope named Shermie, whom she owes money to.
Walden and Billy run out and pee off the patio balcony. While they're peeing Billy admits he's sleeping with Bridget and has been since they broke up basically. They start to fight again.
Alan runs to his car in from a house in a bad neighborhood yelling "that's all she gave me!" and as he drives away his back window is shot out.
When Alan comes home, pee stain on his pants, he finds Walden and Billy coding in the kitchen in bathrobes, both recently showered and still bickering. They all admit to having a little accident. They're about to test the first module. Walden presses the button and says "behold the birth of the Stanhope/Schmidt electric suitcase" and the lights go out. Alan is unimpressed. Walden asks him to name a state and he says "Florida." We see the outline of North America and the light wink out in Florida. Then Canada. Then the entire U.S. That's one powerful suitcase. They both say "awesome!"
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Previously: Walden asked Alan to…
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Previously: Walden asked Alan to move out temporarily so he could do a trial run with Ava and Zoey. Alan moved in with Lindsey. It was disastrous on both ends.
Walden works up the courage to talk to Zoey about how tough it has been with Ava and how he doesn't want them to move in. She cuts him off and says she had her doubts but now she's on board. Classic sitcom misunderstanding! Zoey says after they work out some details they can move in. As Zoey puts her to bed he realizes that wasn't the plan.
And then Alan shows up. Walden admits that he's going to make it work. Alan yells and protests and then says he'll figure something out. He says he's a survivor. And then he has a heart attack. Walden thinks he's kidding. He's not.
At the hospital, Walden tells the intake nurse Alan is his friend and he'll take care of the bills. He will have to since his insurance is terrible. The nurse makes him check the "domestic partner" boss. Zoey thinks Alan's heart attack is "convenient" so he can get back into the house. The doctor says he'll be fine, but that he did have a mild heart attack and he'll need to rest for a month or two.
Alan wakes up to see Walden in his hospital room. He feels great because he's on a morphine drip. He says if everyone was on one there would be no more war. Walden tells him what happened and Alan remembers and his heart rate monitor goes up and Walden panics and says Alan can stay as long as he needs to and his heart rate monitor goes back to normal. Walden tells him to relax and feel better.
Alan awakes several more times and hears Walden talking to people outside his hospital curtain: Evelyn who says she doesn't know what she'd do if she lost Alan since she already lost her good son. Jake and his ex-wife who decide not to tell Alan that Jake got caught with pot in his locker. Lindsey, whom Walden tells she doesn't have to take care of Alan because he feels responsible for what happened to him so Walden will take care of him. Lindsey is fine with that.
He awakens a fourth time and is confronted by the "ghost" of Charlie. As played by Kathy Bates. She's smoking a cigar and wearing a bowling shirt. He's dubious. She tells him things only Charlie would know. Alan doesn't understand why he looks like an older woman, not unlike Kathy Bates. It's because Charlie's in hell and walking around in this "old broad's" body is supposed to be early damnation. He doesn't care though since "boobs are still boobs." Charlie has returned to tell Alan it's not too late to change his life and step up and be a man which doesn't mean going to live with Lindsey. He tells him to get his own place and pull his own weight.
Zoey and Walden bicker about Alan over video chat with Walden defending him and saying he has nowhere else to go. Zoey calls Alan the herpes of houseguests. Alan arrives and tells Walden he's going to stop being a parasite and stand on his own two feet. Alan says he found a cute place online, it's not much but he'll have his pride. Walden tries to stop him but Zoey keeps egging him on from video chat.
Alan is on the phone with Jake and tells him he can't live at the beach house either and there really isn't room for him in his new place but he'd love to have him. Alan looks around his sad new little one room, hot plate apartment and says "I'm self-sufficient and beholden to no one." A black bird lands on his sill.
Zoey jokes she misses Alan. Walden agrees before he realizes she's kidding. Zoey wants to know what Walden wants to do now that they have the house to themselves. He wants to do her on every flat surface of the house. They start to make out and Jake busts in with a girl. He claims not to have spoken to his dad.
Ghost Charlie visits Alan in his crummy new apartment. Alan wonders if Charlie is proud since he's standing on his own two feet. Charlie laughs and calls him a sucker and says he had to come back from Hell to do it but he finally got Alan out of his house. It was all a hoax. It's what they do in hell says Charlie. Alan awakes with a start and thinks it was a dream.It wasn't. Then he wakes again and it's still not a dream.
Alan returns to Walden's suitcase in hand. Outside the door he wonders how to "sell" his return. He works on his "heart attack" face. He comes in and says he forgot a few things. Walden wonders if that includes Jake. Alan gets angry saying he told Jake not to come over and that no one listens to him and then he pulls his fake heart attack. Zoey sees him and is angry. Walden calls 911.
Back in the hospital Alan awakes to hear Walden talking behind the curtain to the doctor and Zoey. The doctor says he's fine. Walden wants to know when he can take him home. Zoey is mad but Walden says he won't have Alan's death on his conscience. Alan gives a mock Academy Awards speech. Elsewhere Jake and Ghost Charlie rap in the waiting room.
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Alan returns from the…
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Alan returns from the hospital and Walden is treating him very gingerly and his whole family is there to welcome him home with a surprise. He feigns another heart attack just for laughs. Walden is not amused because, apparently, many members of his family have dropped dead in front of him and will continue to mention these tragic deaths throughout the show.
(For instance his Grandma Abigail came to visit once and said she was "fine" and she face-planted in his Legos. Also one of his uncles said he was fine once and then went to the bathroom and crapped out his small intestine.)
Alan ends up having the best day of his life as Walden has bought him a new bed and a plasma TV which Alan then asks for movie and porn channels on. Walden offers to pay his bills as well. Later, Judith visits and tells him not to worry about child support. Then Berta makes him dinner in bed and his favorite dessert peach cobbler with ice cream. While he is eating that and watching "Avatart," Lindsey shows up and gives him a little oral pleasure.
After going to the doctor-- played by Jason Alexander of "Seinfeld" fame-- and being given a clean bill of health, Alan decides to continue milking all of the good fortune coming his way. He gets his mother to take him shopping for cowboy clothes, Walden installs one of those little seats that glides up the stairs and orders Walden a massage. Zoey is aghast at all of this and makes her displeasure known. Then she goes to Alan as he's getting his massage and leans in tells him that she's on to him and that he can do whatever he wants to his girlfriend and family but to stop exploiting Walden. He protests that he isn't. She tells him he's been warned.
Later, the whole family confronts him again. This time it's because Zoey has had a private investigator follow him. She shows everyone video of Alan vigorously playing beach volleyball with a bunch of hot babes. He spikes the ball, runs around, chest bumps and high fives all the ladies. He is clearly fine. Since he has no excuse Alan fakes yet another heart attack. They all step over his body and proceed to the kitchen.
Later, when Walden is heading off to bed late night he encounters Alan still lying on the floor. He asks him how long he's going to lie there. Alan says until the shame wears off. Walden hops in the little electric seat and starts to motor up the stairs as Alan begins to sing "Memories (The Way We Were)."
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Jake enters the kitchen wishing Alan a good…
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Jake enters the kitchen wishing Alan a good morning. Alan points out that it's 2 p.m. Jake says since it's Saturday he slept in. Alan points out that it's Sunday. Jake wonders what happened to his Saturday. Alan points out that since Jake is graduating from high school in a few days that he needs to get his act together or he will be a failure. Just then Walden walks in naked muttering good morning. Jake asks Alan to repeat himself since he was distracted by the naked billionaire who also just woke up.
Jake and Eldridge are sharing a bong and a pizza in Jake's room in their graduation caps and gowns and complaining about the long speech of the valedictorian. They commiserate that their parents are hassling them to make something of their lives. They wonder what they should do. They decide on frozen yogurt.
Alan is driving Lindsey somewhere and is on the phone with Judith. She is haranguing him about Jake's bleak future. She hassles him into asking Walden for a job for Jake at his new company. Alan finally agrees. He hangs up complaining what a harridan Judith is and thanking Lindsey for being great. She then acts annoyed that he's going to ask for a job for Jake but not Eldridge.
Alan heads over to Walden and Billy's new offices, office-warming plant in hand. He asks them for a job for the kids Walden tries to explain to Billy what worthless layabouts the boys are but Billy says they'll give them a chance.
They bring them in to monitor their gazillion dollar, state of the art server system on the overnight shift. Basically all they have to do is sit there. If a green light turns red on a hard drive they just need to swap it out with a new one. Not long after they've been there Eldridge has downloaded a ton of porn.... and the viruses that come with them start to infect the system until it shorts out and the fire department has to come. Billy tries to strangle them when they ask about getting paid and Walden restrains him.
The news gets back to Alan and Lindsey who apologize profusely at first and then start arguing with each other about which of their children is the worse influence.
At the same time Jake and Eldridge are proving that they're both equally idiotic when, while at the mall, they sign up with the army.
Alan goes to the recruiter at the mall and explain that Jake is an idiot and that the U.S. will be in danger if he tries to protect it but the recruiter says it's too bad since Jake is 18 and signed the form. Alan yells "Hey look! Al-Qaeda!" and grabs the form and runs. The recruiter yells after him that it's just a copy.
Alan, Judith, Herb, Jake, Evelyn, Walden, and Berta give Jakes a tearful send off at the house and we see many clips of Jake as a little boy as he hugs each of them.
At the end of the episode we see Jake and Eldridge crawling on their bellies through mud in full gear and backpacks with rifles under barbed wire on an obstacle course and asking when they get to play with the fighter planes. When Jake says it might be after lunch, Eldridge says there is a five mile run after lunch. Jake thinks he's going to skip it because he wants to take a nap.
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Walden was asked to pick up milk for Zoey, instead he brought up a birthday surprise for her, Jake…
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Walden was asked to pick up milk for Zoey, instead he brought up a birthday surprise for her, Jake comes home from the army with Eldridge. Evelyn, Judith, Herb, Alan, Lyndsey, and Robin were present at the party and the arrival of Jake and Eldridge! Judith wasn't the only person that who misses Charlie - her brother in law. Jake reunited with his sister Milly at the beach house for the weekend! Bridget starts stalking lessons with Rose.
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Actors movie: Two and a Half Men
- Russell
- Bobby
- Leanne
- Barry
- Courtney
- Kate
- Gordon
- Ms. McMartin
- Louis
- Larry
- Melissa
- TV Announcer
- Mia
- Bridget Schmidt
- Dr. Linda Freeman
- Eldridge Mackelroy
- Kandi
- Zoey
- Jenny Harper
- Dr. Herb Melnick
- Chelsea
- Lyndsey Mackelroy
- Rose
- Judith Harper
- Walden Schmidt
- Evelyn Harper
- Charlie Harper
- Berta
- Jake Harper
- Alan Harper