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With her self-esteem shattered by a school carnival cartoonist, Homer decides to enter Lisa in a local children's beauty contest, which she ends up winning by default. But when she finds out how heavily involved Laramie Tobacco is in using the contest to sell cigarettes, she uses her position as a platform against the tobacco industry and other establishments of power and corruption.
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In "Clown Without Pity", a Krusty the Clown doll goes berserk in the Simpson home. In "King Homer", Marge is wooed by a giant ape. And final story, In "Dial 'Z' for Zombies", Bart's attempt to bring back the family cat turns the town of Springfield into a pack of bloodthirsty zombies.
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Feeling sorry for Ralph, Lisa sends him a valentine card, having developed a crush on her Ralph invites Lisa to go see the Krusty the Clown show, she accepts but after Krusty asks them if there boyfriend and girlfriend Lisa lets Ralph no that she just wants them to be friends.
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An anonymous letter writer makes ominous threats to Bart. The Simpsons discover they were sent by Sideshow Bob who, when released from prison, harasses the Simpsons and then attempts to kill Bart with a machete. But Bob's vanity foils him yet again.
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When Homer announces he would sell his soul for a donut, the Devil, disguised as Ned Flanders, shows up to take him up on the offer. Second Act, while ridings to school, Bart believe he sees a malevolent gremlin on the side of the bus. And final act, Mr. Burns is Dracula, in a spoof of Francis Ford Coppola's vampire film.
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In a Rear Window parody, the Simpsons buy a swimming pool and everybody in the neighborhood joins in the enjoyment--except for Bart, whose broken leg prevents him from swimming. He soon becomes obsessed with looking through his telescope and even suspects Ned Flanders of murdering his wife.
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Sideshow Bob is released from prison, runs for mayor as a Republican, and defeats "Diamond" Joe Quimby in the election. But a "Deep-Throat"-type informant tells Bart and Lisa that he was fraudulently elected. It's up to them to find the evidence.
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The Simpsons are employed on Mr. Burns's country estate-and Homer goes insane. And act two, Homer's attempt to repair a toaster lead him repeatedly back into the past-and he inadvertently changes the future. And the final act, the school cafeteria turn to an unusual source of food-and schoolchildren start mysteriously disappearing.
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When Bart swallows a hazardous prize from a cereal box and winds up in the hospital, Lisa finds out her jazz idol Bleeding Gums Murphy has a room of his own there. Sadly, this turns out to be his deathbed, and not only is she upset about him dying, but she realizes that nobody will ever remember him for his music, unless she does something about it.
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Sideshow Bob is released from prison into the custody of his younger brother Cecil (voiced by David Hyde Pierce), Springfield's Chief Hydrological Engineer. He works as the foreman on a new hydroelectric dam. Bart is convinced that Bob is up to something shady again, and follows him everywhere.
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Bart gets drunk during a St. Patrick's Day Parade, provoking the city government to enforce a two-hundred year old prohibition law. Rex Banner, an Elliot Ness-type character, takes over the police force to help enforce the law, since Wiggum failed to do do. Meanwhile, Homer decides to make money for himself as a bootlegger, calling himself "The Beer Baron."
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The Simpsons attempt to cover up their accidental murder of Ned Flanders in "I Know What You Did-Iddly-Did." Then, Bart and Lisa become superheroes and save Lucy Lawless from the evil Collector in "Desperately Xeeking Xena." Finally, Homer's incompetence causes a Y2K apocalypse in "Life's A Glitch, Then You Die."
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When Homer tries to enter a phone-in competition, he becomes terribly stubborn and angry for Springfield introducing a new dialing code. In the Town Hall, after the Mayor's meeting about the change, Homer discovers that all the rich people live on one side of Springfield, with the old code, and Homer is left to try and manage with the new code. However, he protests, and ends up splitting Springfield into Old and New. Homer desperately tries different ways to tackle Old Springfield, but in doing so, he only makes them richer when they discover gold at the bottom of the river. Homer finally builds a large wall to separate the two sides, and remembers that The Who are planned to stage at Springfield for a concert. Will Homer manage to convince The Who to play on his side of town instead of the other's?
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After blowing up Lisa's room - on her birthday - Homer wants to make it up to her and the whole family ends up going to a book fair. Among other authors, Krusty is signing books and one of the kids waiting in line is a girl named Sophie, who tells Krusty she's his daughter! A reluctant Krusty promises to take her to the beach where he realizes he's a lousy father and turns to Homer for some parental advice. The Simpsons help Krusty and he's getting a better dad. However, at a poker game, Krusty has a very good hand but no money and uses Sophie's violin as stake...
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After Skinner once again has let Mrs. Krabappel down, Bart takes her to the cinema. To cheer her up, Bart nominates Krabappel for the 'teacher of the year' award. The nominations is accepted, and soon the Simpsons family and Mrs. Krabappel are going to the award ceremony in Orlando, Florida, where Skinner tries to get back Krabappel by asking her to marry him.
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Snowball II dies and Marge takes Lisa to a shelter to find a new cat. Unfortunately, the new cat dies as well. Marge and Lisa return to the shelter to, again, find a new cat. Meanwhile Homer wants Bart to be proud of him and tries to make a robot so he and Bart can fight robot wars together. When it becomes clear he can't built a robot, Homer pretends to be a fighting robot.
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Milhouse's mother gets a job in Capitol City and takes Milhouse with her. Bart feels really bad about this and tries to find a new best friend. When Ralph doesn't fit the bill he and Lisa become best friends. It's weird but satisfying to both of them. Homer, who's at Moe's, realizes he hasn't got an anniversary gift for Marge yet. When he's outside (and totally drunk) he sits on the sidewalk and a woman gives him some money. He starts dancing and more people give him money. This gives Homer an idea to raise the money needed to buy Marge beautiful gifts.
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Springfield builds an opera house, but since no-one attends it they convert it into a prison. Old and forgotten laws are used to fill the prison, and therefore Homer goes to jail for kicking a can five times in a row. In jail, Homer becomes a snitch
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In Bartificial Intelligence, Bart falls into a coma after trying to jump into a swimming pool off a window ledge. Dr. Hibbert says that this coma is permanent, so the Simpsons get a robot for a son. Bart wakes up, only to be abandoned by Homer. He stays with some robots and becomes a robot himself, able to destroy the robot that replaced him. In Survival of the Fattest, Mr. Burns invites a bunch of people, including Homer, to a hunting party. But it turns into World's Most Dangerous Game when Burns starts killing everyone he can with his gun. Homer stays alive and Marge defeats Burns and Smithers with a frying pan. In I've Grown a Costume on Your Face, a witch turns Springfield residents into the costumes they were wearing at a party. Lisa, who is Albert Einstien, tries to solve everything. She finds that Maggie can turn them back to normal, being a witch. No one wants to be normal again, but Maggie turns everyone into pacifiers.
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A mailman that has been frozen in a Springfield glacier carries a letter for Homer's mother, apparently from her lover claiming Homer is his child. While Homer goes out looking for the letter's sender to find out the truth, Abe is afraid to lose Homer and thereby all of his family.
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The laughing kid of the school kids' car pool, Michael, is all of a sudden feared by everyone when it comes out that he is the son of local mob boss (or, as he says, "garbage businessman") Fat Tony. Everyone but Lisa. She tries to get to know him and finds out all he really wants to do is becoming a chef, cooking being his greatest passion. When Fat Tony is severely hurt by a whacking attempt, carried out by a rival mob considering him vulnerable for his son won't take revenge in case of his death, Michael doesn't feel like he can take over the family business. So Homer and Bart, feeling responsible for the new friends of the family, offer to take over while Fat Tony is recovering.
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Bart has a big outburst at a funeral for Homer's dead Vegas wife. He is therefore brought to a doctor who prescribes him a drum kit to focus his energy positively. Lisa brings him to a jazz club, but then ends Lisa's dream to become the best jazz musician. Bart joins a famous jazz duo and makes it a trio while Lisa starts caring for stray and outcast animals. But this plan turns bad when a tiger bites Bart and he is unable to drum. A benefit concert is held to raise the money for a surgery that could save his new hobby, but instead, he uses the money for a lost animal shelter in Lisa's name.
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"Married to the Blob" - a take-off on The Blob, with Homer in the title role as radiation from a meteor turns him into a blob-like monster. "You Got to Know When to Golem" - A take-off on an old Jewish legend. "The Day the Earth Looked Stupid" - in the late 1930s, Kang and Kodos land in Springfield as part of an alien invasion, but the town, completely taken in by The War of the Worlds, doesn't pay much attention.
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The Simpsons start out by going to the dentist, then going out for ice cream afterward. Homer happens to buy the 1,000,000th ice cream cone that the store sold and he shows up on Smartline. But things get bad when Homer spills coffee on Brockman's pants and he utters a terrible swear word. After Ned Flanders reveals this curse, Brockman is downsized, fired, and Channel 6 loses $10,000,000. With nowhere else to go, Brockman stays at the Simpsons house, and with the help of Lisa, they reveal the secrets of liberals on a YouTube broadcast. Eventually, Brockman is rehired.
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In "ET: Go Home," Bart finds Kodos in the back yard and they become friends. However, Kodos has plans of killing everyone. In "Mr. and Mrs. Simpson," Homer and Marge discover that they are both expert assassins and try to kill each other. In "Heck House," Bart, Milhouse, Nelson, and Lisa pull pranks on Springfield residents while trick-or-treating, and are subjected to the wrath of Ned Flanders and his 'Heck House.'
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When Milhouse's parents get back together, they go on a second honeymoon on a cruise ship. They then get lost at sea and presumed dead. Milhouse is forced to grow up, and becomes cooler than Bart, who tries hard to regain his previous popularity. Meanwhile, Homer is plagued with trying to remember Marge's eye color.
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A new comic store opens in Springfield, which drives The Android's Dungeon out of business. Marge uses the space to open a gym for regular women, Shapes. Shapes becomes a runaway success. When Homer accompanies Marge on a business trip, he meets a group of handsome, muscled men. These men insist that Homer get into shape, because otherwise Marge will leave him. In hopes of making quick changes to his physique, Homer turns to a plastic surgeon.
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Comic Book Guy casts Homer as the lead in “Everyman,” a feature film based on a new comic book superhero who possesses the ability to take on the powers of every superhero in every comic he touches. To whip Homer into superhero shape, the movie studio hires celebrity fitness trainer Lyle McCarthy, but Homer has trouble sticking to his new healthy regimen.
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When Mrs. Krabappel confiscates student's cell phones, the class, organized by Bart, decides to teach her a lesson by spiking her coffee and watching her make a drunken fool of herself. Principal Skinner fires Mrs. Krabappel and replaces her with a cool new teacher, Zachary Vaughn, who impresses Bart and his friends with a hip attitude and love of texting, blogging and using Twitter and Facebook. Torn by his affection for Mr. Vaughn, yet plagued by guilt, Bart makes his way to Skinner's office to tell him the truth and get Mrs. Krabappel's job back.
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The men and boys of Springfield become obsessed with Mixed Martial Arts, a violent sport where fighters inflict severe pain on one another. When Marge and her friends stage a protest, the show's promoter embraces the controversy and challenges Marge to a match, promising to shut down the competition if she wins.
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Lisa becomes livid with Miss Hoover, and in a series of homages to classic Hitchcock sets out for deadly revenge. Next, Krusty's latest fast-food sandwich transforms news anchor Kent Brockman into an enraged zombie and twenty-eight days later, cannibal zombies have overrun Springfield. In the final frightening fable, Homer accidentally falls through a trapdoor in Moe's tavern and impales himself on the pipes of Moe's microbrewery. Moe serves the barflies a glass of delicious beer flavored with Homer's blood and Homer, now half-man, half-brewing apparatus, returns for vengeance.
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In an effort to raise money for charity, Marge and “Philanthro-Chicks” decide to pose for a calendar. At the photo studio, Marge is a bit reluctant to reveal any skin, but the photographer loosens her up with wine and before long, Marge and her pin-up poses are the talk of Springfield.
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Fed up with Bart’s constant pranks, Principal Skinner tells Bart that there is a former Springfield Elementary student hailed as the best prankster ever – even better than Bart – but he won’t divulge the legendary student’s name. Bart finally gets Groundskeeper Willie to reveal the prankster’s identity: Andy Hamilton. Bart tracks down Andy, who is now 19 years old and hasn’t grown out of his pranking days. Bart and Andy become fast friends until Bart gets Andy a job working for the ultimate clown.
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After getting lost in a game of hide-and-seek, Lisa wanders into the field and discovers three teenage girls, including Cassandra, who are practicing Wiccans. Though she is skeptical of their spells, the girls assure Lisa that they never hurt anyone and ask her to join their coven. Just before Lisa is inducted into their pact, Chief Wiggum arrives and arrests the three girls for witchcraft and Lisa becomes the star witness in the trial. Meanwhile, Homer starts hanging out with Cleatus and his hillbilly friends when he discovers that they make moonshine.
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One snowy day in Springfield, Lisa informs Bart that she and Maggie share a bond that Bart will never understand because he doesn't have a brother, so Bart asks Homer for a baby brother. When Homer denies Bart's request, Bart makes his way to the Springfield Orphanage to find what he thinks he's missing.
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Grampa is sitting on a bench waiting for his family when a thoughtful-looking man named Marshall Goldman approaches him and asks to hear about his life. Grampa tells Goldman about the time he was on a World War II battleship, which was hit by an enemy torpedo, and Goldman, a human-interest columnist, publishes it in The Springfield Shopper. Later, Grampa meets Mitch Albom and shares another story with Goldman for a follow-up article. Homer becomes jealous of Grampa's newfound fame and seeks a surrogate father. But when Homer discovers a draft of Goldman's third story, he must race to find Grampa before it is published and his life is changed forever.
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Homer blows off Marge to buy a lottery ticket and winds up winning the million-dollar jackpot. Fearing how Marge will react if she finds out the reason Homer missed their date, Homer keeps his newly inherited fortune a secret and spoils his family with "anonymous" gifts. When Bart finds out, he and Homer spend the money like it's going out of style, including buying front-row to tickets to see Coldplay in concert.
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Homer takes Marge out for a romantic evening of ice skating and hand-holding, but upon entering the rink, they encounter a curling team practicing. Marge and Homer take to the ice and discover their love for the sport, and soon after, join the curling team and compete with them in the Olympic trials. Team Springfield claims the win and moves on to the 2010 Vancouver Games where Bob Costas covers the action. Meanwhile, sleazy vendors introduce Lisa to the world of collecting Olympic pins, and before long, Lisa is hopelessly addicted.
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Bart falls for a girl named Nikki who alternately loves him and hates him and sends him mixed signals when she surprises him with a kiss. Meanwhile, First Lady Michelle Obama helps Lisa discover the joys of being an overachieving female.
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When the police are called to diffuse a rowdy crowd at Mr. BurnsÂ’ estate, one of the officers recognizes priceless stolen paintings on the walls, and the maniacal billionaire is taken downtown for questioning. With Mr. Burns gone, Smithers takes charge of the power plant. But when employees take advantage of his good nature, he exacts revenge by forcing the employees to work night and day. These unfair working conditions prompt Homer and his crew to devise a plan to bust out Mr. Burns.
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Homer is completing his court-ordered community service when he befriends his supervisor, Chief Wiggum, by offering him one of his sandwiches. Touched by the act of kindness, Wiggum assigns the other convicts unpleasant tasks, but allows Homer to join him at the picnic table. They continue to grow close, but when the Chief gets injured during a botched bank robbery, Homer doesnÂ’t come through when Wiggum needs him the most. Meanwhile, Bart becomes addicted to Battle Ball, a Japanese game made up of plastic balls and magnetic cards, and his family and teachers try to help him kick the habit.
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The Simpsons decide to embrace a cheaper, alternate source of energy by erecting a wind turbine in their backyard. But when Homer realizes some of the power is being directed to the local electric company, he decides to remove his home from the grid and becomes completely dependent upon an unreliable source of power. Meanwhile, a storm erupts, trapping a magnificent 150-foot-long blue whale ashore, and Lisa and Homer attempt to help the poor creature.
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A bomb squad mistakenly blows up HomerÂ’s unattended gym bag, releasing radiation into the city and authorities react by suspending civil liberties. Wiggum and his men install surveillance cameras around Springfield and round up suspected terrorists, including groundskeeper Willie, but when monitoring the nonstop flow of video imagery proves to be too much, Wiggum enlists concerned citizens to help keep the city safe. Meanwhile, Lisa becomes fed up with being blonde, so she dyes her hair a dark color.
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As Mother’s Day approaches, Moe narrates an episode in which he writes a letter to Homer, Apu and Reverend Lovejoy, who are vacationing with their children, and threatens to run away with one of their wives. While the trio tries to determine whose wife Moe is referring to, Homer, Lovejoy and Apu flashback to the intimate moments they initially ignored between Moe and Marge, Manjula and Helen Lovejoy. But when the boys return from their trip, they’re in for the surprise of their lives.
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Bart becomes convinced that his new neighbor, Walt, is his archenemy, Sideshow Bob, disguised and back for revenge. But when Marge tries to convince Bart otherwise by taking him to visit the state penitentiary, a disturbing truth is revealed.
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When Moe discovers a hidden talent for judging contests, he is approached by a television agent to join the "American Idol" judges’ panel. Moe flies to Los Angeles where he tours the Fox lot and receives some sage career advice. Meanwhile, Homer drives Marge crazy when he begins hanging around the house.
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When Krusty the Clown is announced as the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize, Homer invites Bart to accompany him on a trip to Oslo for the ceremony. Sensing that Lisa would feel left out, Marge surprises her with a week-long retreat at performing arts camp, where she where she is greeted by her artsy counselors and fellow musically inclined campers, who inspire her to embrace her creative side. After she returns to Springfield, Lisa becomes restless with her ho-hum suburban lifestyle and sneaks off to Sprooklyn in hopes of connecting with her inner hipster, but she soon realizes that the city is not the same as camp.
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When Grampa gives each member of the family a portion of his savings, Lisa and Marge spend their money in drastically different ways. Lisa invests in Nelson's brand-new business venture, but soon realizes that her friend's instant success might lure him away from the classroom. Worried that his judgment might be clouded, Lisa introduces Nelson to the well-educated and successful creator of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, only to find out that he too dropped out of school. But when the soaring business suddenly takes a sharp turn, Lisa teaches her friend that education is invaluable.
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A visit by a Springfield Elementary alum-turned-Ivy-League student pushes Lisa to question her own go-getter attitude and reevaluate the scope of her extracurricular activities. Convinced that there is no such thing as having too many clubs or activities listed on her resume, Lisa jumps at the opportunity to coach Bart's little league team. Despite having little understanding of baseball, Lisa coaches the team to a record winning streak by putting her book smarts in statistics and probability into play. But when Bart questions Lisa's coaching tactics and confronts her for taking the fun out of baseball, Lisa benches him from the championship game. Hoping to lift his spirits, Marge spends the day with Bart at an amusement park where MLB manager and former catcher Mike Scioscia gives Bart sound advice and reminds him of his genuine love of the sport. Meanwhile, with one last chance to win the game, Lisa makes an unexpected call and learns that there is more to sports than winning.
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In "War and Pieces," the first of three spine-tingling tales, Marge, worried about the effects of excessively violent video games, encourages Bart and Milhouse to give wholesome, classic board games a shot. The best friends discover that board games aren't boring after all when they find themselves playing a real-life game in which they must beat all the challenges before they are allowed to return to home. The supernatural spells continue in "Tweenlight," when Lisa becomes smitten with a mysterious new student, Edmund, who also happens to be a vampire. When a romance blossoms, the young lovers run away to Dracula-la Land, leaving Homer to come to Lisa's rescue. In the final frightening fable, "Master and Cadaver," Homer and Marge set sail on a romantic second honeymoon, but are interrupted when they rescue Roger, a castaway who escaped an attempted poisoning on his ship. Convinced that Roger is sabotaging their getaway and plotting a murder of his own, Homer and Marge take matters into their own hands.
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When the Simpsons visit Marge's childhood home and discover a box of her old belongings, Lisa is surprised to learn that Marge was once a stellar A+ student. After discovering that a distraction caused Marge's grades to slip in high school, Lisa fears that she will end up just like her mom unless she pledges to focus solely on academics. When Lisa learns that prep school Cloisters Academy is accepting new students, Marge puts her feelings aside and makes a secret deal allowing Lisa to attend her dream school. Meanwhile, Bart puts Nelson and his bully ways in place and unintentionally claims the title of School Bully, and Lisa learns a lesson in family and altruism.
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After learning that he is suffering from multiple illnesses and has only a few weeks to live, Mr. Burns becomes distraught by the town's less-than-sensitive reaction to his announcement. Following an unexpected turn of events, Bart finds Mr. Burns weak and vulnerable in the wilderness and secretly takes him into the Simpsons' home. But when Homer and Marge learn about their new houseguest, they decide it's payback time, and Lisa, determined to stand up for Mr. Burns, learns that old habits die hard.
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When a pigeon flies through the Simpsons' home and suffers a broken wing, Bart makes it his duty to care for the bird - whom he names Ray - and nurse it back to health. When Ray is ready to fly, Homer decides to enter him in a bird race when Danica Patrick appears to him in a dream. Things don't go according to plan, however, when Santa's Little Helper swallows Ray. Worried that Bart needs some help getting over the loss, Marge and Homer take him to a therapy session with Dr. Thurston, who advises that the only cure for Bart's blues is to give away the family dog. But when the Simpsons visit the pup's new home, a shock causes them to rethink their decision
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It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas in Springfield, but while Marge gets in the holiday spirit, it's bah humbug for the rest of the family. Disappointed that she is alone spreading the holiday cheer, Marge sends a letter to Martha Clause to help her save the family Christmas. Martha comes to the rescue and transforms the house into the North Pole chalet Marge has always dreamed of, but when the family is noticeably absent from the perfectly trimmed holiday home, she realizes that it's Homer and the kids who make the holidays special. Meanwhile, the Simpsons get ready to sneak away for a tropical holiday vacation in Hawaii, but surprise visitors Mr. Burns and Moe's new friend, Katy Perry delay their getaway. Four special holiday tales will be spun.
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Homer spends New Year's Eve in the Springfield Penitentiary after getting caught bribing an official. An FBI investigator offers to reduce his jail time if Homer agrees to go undercover as an informant to investigate Fat Tony. When Homer forges a special bond with Fat Tony and his family, he becomes conflicted between his obligation to the government and his loyalty to his new family. After an unexpected turn of events, Fat Tony's cousin Fit Tony seeks to settle a score with Homer, but winds up teaching him an important lesson.
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After the fourth graders and fifth graders engage in a heated dodgeball battle, Bart discovers that one of the fifth graders has the same mysterious scar on his hand. Puzzled by the matching blemishes, Bart tries to understand why and how he got it, leading Marge to explain that seven years ago, she and her girlfriends formed the "The Cool Moms," a tight-knit group of moms who set playdates for their young boys. Inspired to reconnect with the women, Marge's social life soon becomes recharged, but when Bart's playdates stop being fun, he attempts to break up the club, and Marge finally remembers why she left the group in the first place.
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When Smithers offers to help transform Moe's dingy pub into a more refined and trendy lounge, the revamped "Mo's" quickly becomes Springfield's local gay hangout. With Smithers' friends and colleagues infusing new life into "Mo's," business starts to boom, but Moe inadvertently leads his new bar patrons to believe that he, too, is gay. Afraid that telling the truth would hurt his newly flourishing business, Moe's new friends teach him a lesson in acceptance. Meanwhile, Principal Skinner becomes smitten with the new free-spirited music teacher, Ms. Juniper, who inspires the by-the-book principal to take chances. When Skinner finds out that Ms. Juniper's daughter, Melody, has a crush on Bart, he uses Bart to get close to Ms. Juniper.
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Homer becomes obsessed with "Thicker than Waters," a 1980s family sitcom written by David Mamet, and models his parenting skills after the show's sensible father much to the chagrin of Bart, who desperately sets his sights on a brand new dirt bike. But when Homer insists that Bart must earn the dirt bike, Bart takes matters into his own hands and schemes with Russian and Chinese spies to provide top-secret information in exchange for the new bike. Later, James Lipton conducts an interview with a television cast on "Inside the Actor's Studio."
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After spending another Valentine's Day alone, Moe attends a seminar led by Dr. Kissingher in the hopes of gaining more confidence with women. Moe takes the doctor's advice and asks Homer to be his wingman, but Moe becomes distraught when women are drawn to Homer as well. Meanwhile, Marge discovers her first gray hairs and surprises both her family and the neighborhood by going completely gray and sporting a brand new mature 'do, but Bart is not humored when the neighborhood kids tease him about Marge's look. Later, Marge confronts Homer when she learns that he is becoming increasingly popular with the young ladies, but Homer helps Marge realize that he only has eyes for her and proves that love is still in the Springfield air.
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Bart's cartoon about an angry dad is turned into "Angry Dad: The Movie" and quickly becomes a critics' favorite. When Russell Brand presents the Golden Globe to Bart's film, Homer usurps the podium and gives his own acceptance speech. The film's winning streak continues with Homer taking credit at each ceremony, so when "Angry Dad" receives an Oscar nomination, Bart keeps it a secret. With the help of DJ Kwanzaa, Homer and Marge arrive at the ceremony just as Halle Berry presents the award. Bart's fellow nominee, Nick Park, helps him realize that creating a film is a team effort, and Bart gives credit where credit is due.
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After a field trip to the desert, Lisa discovers that the desert water mysteriously makes typically combative creatures get along, so she brings some of the water home as a souvenir. When Grampa moves in with the family after getting kicked out of the retirement home, Homer secretly tests the desert water on Grampa, who is instantly cured of his crankiness. A pharmaceutical representative gets word of Homer's discovery and quickly tries to replicate the water into a drug, using Grampa as the primary guinea pig. But when the pills get in the wrong hands and are sold on the black market, unexpected side effects of the new drug take an eye-popping toll on the elderly citizens of Springfield, and the Simpsons learn that their new medical cure comes with major consequences.
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The town is abuzz when Cheech and Chong announce a Springfield stop on their much-anticipated reunion tour. But when Cheech and Chong take the stage in front of their loyal fans, the jokes were just not the same for Chong, so Homer steps in and delivers all the punchlines by heart. Impressed, Cheech invites Homer to go on tour with him as new duo "Cheech and Chunk" while Chong forms a more progressive comedic team, "Teach and Chong," with Principal Skinner. While Homer is on tour, Marge attempts to help the neighborhood cat lady and change her hoarder ways, but turns into a hoarder herself in the process, and Homer realizes that life on the road is not all high times and slapstick humor.
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When Homer inadvertently humiliates Bart in front of a stadium crowd, Marge encourages Homer to enroll in a fathering enrichment class taught by therapist Dr. Zander. Shocked to learn that Homer often strangles Bart for mischievous behavior, Dr. Zander conducts a series of treatments with the help of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to teach Homer what it feels like to be young and small. But when Bart learns that the therapy sessions have transformed Homer into a pushover, he takes advantage of Homer and becomes a school bully. Hoping therapy could also cure Bart of his bullying habits, Marge enlists Dr. Zander's help to patch their relationship.
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The family is greeted by folk singer Ewell Freestone when they visit a peach farm, but when Marge goes overboard with peach-inspired dishes, Lisa and Bart try to get rid of the unwanted fruit. Later, Lisa becomes a magician's apprentice to the legendary Great Raymondo who helps her develop her craft, but a schoolgirl crush clouds her judgment when she is coaxed into revealing the Great Raymondo's most famous magic trick to his phony archnemesis. But when the rival magician's act takes a risky turn, the Great Raymondo has one last trick up his sleeve and stages showdown with Ricky Jay, Penn & Teller and David Copperfield , showing them why he is the master of the craft.
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Fat Tony and Selma, Marge's painfully blunt sister, fall in love and get married after a whirlwind courtship. Marge has her reservations about the couple's marriage after Selma begins to prioritize her looks and ritzy new lifestyle over her family, so Fat Tony invites Homer and Marge to a weekend getaway at the Jersey Shore. Meanwhile, Bart discovers a special talent that allows him to detect the location of truffles by smell, and Lisa jumps at the chance to capitalize on the rare culinary treasures
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After Homer discovers a genius talent for styling hair and opens his own salon, he becomes Springfield's most in-demand hair stylist. But having to listen to women's problems and gossip all day long leads Homer to believe his gift may actually be a curse. Meanwhile, when Milhouse decides to live each day to the fullest, he comes out of his shell and professes his love for Lisa, only to have his heart broken. Milhouse then catches the eye of popular fifth-grader Taffy, causing Lisa to make a bold move.
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When the Simpsons discover a collection of keys to every door in Springfield, Lisa stumbles upon an eerie hidden classroom beneath Springfield Elementary School. When she shares her discovery with Principal Skinner, the secret room mysteriously disappears and he takes the only key away. A determined Lisa uses her detective skills to lead her back to the room to solve an old school mystery.
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Feeling guilty for getting Mrs. Krabappel suspended after one of his school pranks, Bart helps her escape detention, and Ned Flanders winds up saving her life in the process. When Edna and Ned start dating, he is surprised to learn she's been with many of Springfield's men, including Homer and Aerosmith drummer Joey Kramer.
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Homer befriends Wayne, a reserved security guard recently hired by the nuclear power plant. Plagued by violent flashbacks from his past as a CIA agent, he must overcome his tortured nightmares to save Homer from a Ukranian terrorist. Meanwhile, Marge fantasizes about being a contestant on "Top Chef" hosted by Tom Colicchio, and the future of Springfield's hottest "it" couple Nedna, Edna Krabappel and Ned Flanders, will be revealed after months of online fan voting and speculation.
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Principal Skinner challenges superintendent Gary Chalmers to take over Bart's education after one of Bart's pranks leads to a school fundraiser debacle. Chalmers takes an unconventional approach to teaching American history which sparks a fascination in President Teddy Roosevelt. Encouraged by Bart's educational renaissance, Chalmers takes Bart and his band of "Rough Riders" on an overnight excursion to Springfield Forest, but after a minor accident, the school administration fires Chalmers for taking the boys on an unauthorized field trip. Determined to get Chalmers' job back, Bart and the boys hold the school hostage until the administration reinstates Chalmers, and they stand up for the teacher who made a meaningful impact.
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Homer takes a dangerous dive into an isolated canyon on Candy Peak, but when a crashing boulder traps his arm, he channels Aron Ralston to save himself. In "The Diving Bell and Butterball," the first of three hair-raising Halloween tales, a venomous spider bite leaves Homer paralyzed, but when Lisa discovers Homer's ability to communicate through natural gases, he is able to express his love for Marge. The killer spells continue in "Dial D for Diddly," when Ned Flanders, devout preacher by day, transforms into a cold-blooded vigilante by night. In the final terrifying tale, "In the Na'Vi," Bart and Milhouse are sent on a mission to obtain a sacred extract on a distant planet. They morph into the land's indigenous one-eyed avatars, but when Bart finds love and an eternal mate abroad, he is caught in planet warfare.
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Bart's science fair project, a mechanical baby seal, outshines Lisa's brainy asteroid model and becomes a popular pet among the retirement home patrons. Meanwhile, Homer gets a new and eager assistant Roz, but when Homer quickly loses his job to her and discovers her evil past, he and Flanders team up to reveal her true dark colors.
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Marge takes Bart and Lisa on a weekend excursion, but when an unexpected restaurant detour awakens their taste buds, fellow foodies Amuse Bruce and Fois Garth inspire them to start their own food blog, "The Three Mouthketeers." They score an exclusive reservation at Springfield's premiere modern restaurant, but Marge has an unsettling dream during which Anthony Bourdain, Gordon Ramsay, and Mario Batali lead her to reconsider extending the invite to Homer. Later, Marge directs Homer to a different type of cooking lab where he gets into a bind with law enforcement authorities.
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Lisa becomes disheartened when she learns the shocking truth behind the "tween lit" industry and her beloved fantasy novel characters. But Homer decides to cash in on the craze and forms a team to group-write the next "tween lit" hit, with the king of fantasy, Neil Gaiman, lending his expertise to the effort. After catching the eye of a slick industry publisher at the Springfield Book Fair, the team gets an advanced copy of their work and discovers that the corporate lit business is a bigger operation than they imagined.
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The Simpsons host a tastemaker party at their home to promote Absolut Krusty, Krusty the Clown's own brand of liquor. Mr. Burns takes notice of the party's success and decides to promote Homer to "Account Man" for the Springfield Nuclear Plant. Robert Marlow, a seasoned account veteran, takes Homer under his wing and shows Homer what the high life is like in the corner office. Meanwhile, Lisa introduces Bart to a new literary world which sparks his interest in reading classic novels, and when Homer's long hours at the office become the norm, a family vacation with Marge and the kids helps him realize that family always comes before work.
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Krusty the Clown is stuck in a rut when the television network pulls his show from the air and his talent agency drops him as a client. But when the Simpsons introduce him to seasoned agent Annie, they are surprised to learn that Annie was Krusty's very first agent. Despite their rocky relationship, Annie is convinced to re-sign Krusty and craft his career comeback. But when Krusty's retro comedy show reboot is deemed a critical success, Krusty must decide to stay with his agent or side with the network executives.
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It's the most wonderful time of the year, and the Simpsons flash forward thirty years and find themselves in a tech-savvy, futuristic Springfield. Bart and Lisa have children of their own and decide to spend the holidays as one big family at Homer and Marge's house. Lisa and Bart turn to Homer and Marge for parenting advice and begin to realize that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
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Homer lands his own political talk show after a video featuring his impassioned rant on poor treatment at the airport goes viral. As his talk show quickly gains popularity nationwide, Homer becomes the spokesperson for the Gravy Movement and the voice of America's newest political party. But when ill-informed Homer is asked to select the next Republican nominee for President and officially endorses right-wing rock star Ted Nugent, Marge and Lisa worry that Homer's opinion and influence might be more powerful than he realizes.
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As the mastermind and creator of the online social networking phenomenon SpringFace, Lisa is called to trial when Springfield's obsession with the site becomes chaotic and dysfunctional. Lisa recounts her story and explains that she created the site after realizing she had no real friends. But as SpringFace expands and Springfield's fixation with the site causes mass hysteria, Lisa begins to realize that adding thousands of friends online did not compare to having real friendships. Later, Patty and Selma compete against the Winklevoss Twins in the rowing event at the 2012 Olympic Games.
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After Moe is heckled for not having any real companions, Moe's best friend and beloved bar rag narrates his incredible thousand-year journey to Springfield. Beginning in the Middle Ages, the bar rag was loomed into a beautiful and ornate medieval tapestry and traveled around the globe through the hands of royalty before finding himself found himself at Moe's Tavern. Meanwhile, Bart begs Milhouse for forgiveness after the two friends get into a tiff, and when the bar rag goes missing, Moe realizes that he has more friends than he thought.
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When sales for the school paper plummet and the school threatens to shut it down, Deb comes to the rescue with the promise of a great story that will save The Preston Bugle. She decides to do an interview with Pedro, the school president, and is thrilled when he grants her unlimited access. But Deb's article puts in him hot water with the townspeople, and even Napoleon's sweet dance moves can't save the day. Consequently, Napoleon, Deb and Pedro must come up with a more exciting local story that will take the focus off of Pedro and repair the damage to Pedro and Deb's friendship.
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The lights go up in the Kodak theater and out comes Morgan Freeman. He opens with history: apparently movies have changed since they began, but we still really like them (paraphrase).
The curtain opens and the video begins. Billy Crystal strapped to a chair in black and white silent "The Artist", being totured to host (so say the cards between scenes). He makes a plug for his movie "Parental Guidance" coming out in November.
Then it's the always-game George Clooney, doing the scene from "The Descendants" where he begs his comatose wife to wake up. Except it's Billy. George fully commits, even going in for the kiss on the lips. George asks Billy to host and promises the youngest, hippest writers in town.
Cut to guys around the table in "Moneyball" -- all oldsters. Jonah Hill agrees he doesn't have enough jokes.
Cut to the car from "Midnight in Paris" pulling up to Billy -- with Justin Bieber inside, "I'm here to get you the 18 to 24 demographic".Pan back to Sammy Davis Jr. (Billy) in the car with Biebs, off to hang out with Hemingway and then go kill Hitler. Billy puts on his Miracle Max and wishes them good luck storming the fuhrer.Biebs signs off with "Good luck, Bob".
(Wrong name intentional.)
Then cut to Billy from the scene in "The Help" -- scarfing down Minny's s*** pie. It tastes delicious.
And then we see the first woman in the Oscars pooping in a sink -- the scene from "Bridesmaids".
He runs and sits down to watch movies from "Hugo" as Tom Cruise busts in the room through the window a la "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol".
Billy chases his reels of movies out the window and ends up in "Tin Tin" racing down the hill on a bike, through motion capture.He flies through the air, into his tux and passed reels of scenes from the nominated movies.He comes out on stage and waves to all the pretty people in the crowd.
He acknowledges the applause. "Wow, that was extremely loud and incredible close," he says.This is the ninth time he's hosted. "Just call me 'War Horse'."They're in the "Chapter 11 theater".
Billy tries a James Earl Jones imitation, quoting "baseball" from "Field of Dreams". It's funny because James Earl Jones says it quickly?
"So tonight, enjoy yourself because nothing can take the sting out the world's economic problems like millionaires presenting each other with golden statues," he closes.
And then it's time for "It's a Wonderful Night for Oscar". He breaks into song. "You didn't think I wasn't going to do this did you?"There are nine movies, a lot to cram in."War House" gets the "Mr. Ed" treatment. "Hugo" to "That's Amore"
"There's no Pesci, no Bob, there's no killing -- no mob, that's Hugo. Tell the truth, for the sequel I prefer you don't be so arty -- ax the kid, shoot Ben Kingsley in the head, 'cuz you're Marty!"He heard "The Tree of Life" even freaked out God."The Descendents" bit ends with a joke about George ending up in bed with Oscar tonight.
Tom Hanks is out to present the first award. He invites everyone in the audience to take note of their seat relative to seal filler Carl Swabo (cut to an old guy in a powder blue tux), who has been filling seats at the Oscars for 59 years. He is currently filling Jennifer Lopez's seat, who is backstage.
He introduces Achievement in Cinematography. The winner is Robert Richardson for "Hugo".He says what everyone is thinking: "I can't believe somebody put cinematography first, it can only go up from this point." Then he thanks some people.
Achievement in Art Direction is next. "Hugo" wins again. 
We're back and Billy is back at the "Your Name Here" theater, which he says was designed to look like the movie palaces of our youth.
Time for a trip down movie memory lane, clips from "Forrest Gump" followed by "Titantic" followed by one of those vampire movies the kids today like so much. Hey, it's "Princess Bride"! And Patrick Swayze in "Ghost" and "Jaws" and "Raiders" and top scenes from movie history -- "You can't handle the truth!"
Luke uses the Force, ET wants go home, Jake Lamotta wins, Dustin Hoffman is walking here! Meg Ryan fakes it in a diner.
Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez are out next for Achievement in Costume Design. The nominees are accompanied by introduction from the designers or stars of the movie, talking about why the costumes matter. 
The Oscar goes to Mark Bridges for "The Artist". "I want to thank the Academy for making a lifelong dream come true," he says.
Back to J-Lo and Cameron for Make-up. Glenn Close says she wouldn't have done the movie without the wig man. Warrick Davis, from "Harry Potter", says it's odd to look in the mirror and see nothing of yourself.
J Lo and Cameron return to announce the winner, with their backsides pointed at the audience. The bit doesn't take and they tell the audience to loosen up. Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland for "The Iron Lady" win. "Thanks Meryl, for keeping me employed for the last 37 years," Helland says.
Cut to a pre-recorded bit with stars talking about why they love the movies. Morgan Freeman remembers seeing the original "King Kong". Adam Sandler's first movie was "Diamonds Are Forever". Reese Witherspoon's family went to the movies every Sunday night.
Brad Pitt saw "The Gargantuas". Steve Carell members getting to stay up past his bedtime.
Hillary Swank remembers connecting to the outsiders on screen.Tom Cruise remembers recreating scenes in his backyard.
Barbra Streisand (fixing her hair) remembers dreaming in the movies.
Adam Sandler remembers talking about Sean Connery, "his performance and his chest hair and saying, can I please do that?"
Sandra Bullock comes out to present best foreign language movie and deadpans that because of the giant international audience, she's been asked to present in Mandarin Chinese. She warns us that because her mother spoke German to her growing up, her Chinese has a slight German accent.She starts speaking German.
The subtitles remind us movies are universal.
Clips from the nominees roll. The Oscar goes to "A Separation", from Iran. It's the first Iranian movie to ever win an Oscar.
The director thanks his studio and says he knows Iranians are watching and he knows they're happy at this moment, "not just because of an important award or a film, or a film maker, but because at the time when talk of war, intimidation and aggression is exchanged between politicians, the name of their country, Iran, is spoken here through her glorious culture. A rich and ancient culture that has been hidden under the heavy dust of politics. I proudly offer this award to the people of my country, people who respect all cultures and civilizations and despise hostility and resentment. Thank you so much," he says.
Billy is back out. "A dark knight, an american psycho, a charismatic crack addict - you'll get to choose one on Super Tuesday," he zings. But right now, "be careful, you're in his eye line", welcome Christian Bale.
He's introducing Actress in a Supporting Role, who have nothing in common except that four are first time nominees. We see clips from the movies. They skip the bathroom scene from "Bridesmaids" and show Melissa McCarthy hitting on her real life husband on the airplane.
The Oscar goes to Octavia Spencer from "The Help". She's helped up on stage by her director, and tires to avoid tripping on her dress. She gets a standing ovation.
She thanks her family in Alabama, the state of Alabama, her "Help" family. She fights back tears. She sees the "please wrap up" and says she's wrapping up and "freaking out". Christian Bale helps her off stage.
Billy says that moment for Octavia is what the Oscars are all about and when he saw it, he wanted to hug the first black woman he saw, "which from Beverly Hills is about a 45 minute drive."
He explains to us about focus groups and how they began in 1939 at MGM and Louis B Mayer taped their reactions. He introduces footage from a screening of "The Wizard of Oz".
Bob Balaban comes out in black and write, the audience is Christopher Guest's regulars. Fred Willard loves the flying monkeys. Christopher Guest "didn't get the thing with the kids". The munchkins.Eugene Levy found them irritating and suggests they cut the rainbow song. Catherine O'Hara butchers "Over the Rainbow", "If dirty little monkey fly...."
Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper are out next to present editing. Cooper quotes Ridley Scott saying collaboration between a film editor and director is a like a marriage.
Tina's turn: "And just like in marriage, they spend all their time in a dark windowless room, ordering in food and looking at pictures of other people."
Achievement in Film Editing, with clips of cast and crew talking briefly about the process.The Oscar goes Kurt Baxter and Angus Wall for "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo", who won last year for "The Social Network".
They say they weren't expecting it and their rambling proves it, although they do name check "the Roones" (Rooney Mara) from on stage."Let's get out of here," one says after a few seconds."Yea, we're editors."
They leave.
Achievement in Sound Editing. The Oscar goes to Philip Stockton and Eugene Gearty for "Hugo".They get on stage, one leaves the mike for the other."You go," he says."No, Hugo," says the other.The audience groans. Sound editor humor!
"I just want to thank everybody who's here tonight, and everybody who isn't, and everybody who's ever been born, or may be born, or born again or reborn. If I've forgotten anybody, then you probably know who you are," says one.
Then Achievement in Sound Mixing.The Oscar goes to Tom Fleischman and John Midgley for "Hugo".
Back after a break to Miss Piggy and Kermit in a loge. Piggy wants to get on the stage. "It's about time Spielberg left some for the rest of us!" Piggy says. They're there to talk about their memorable first movie experience. Kermit was at a drive-in, trying to avoid getting run over by a Studebaker.They introduce a bit by Cirque du Soliel, with music by Danny Elfman.
The Cary Grant scene on a open road from "North by Northwest" leads to two men in suits flying through the theater over the heads of the audience. Then "Metropoolis" is the backdrop for a tumbling routine in which four people are flipped, seated, from the feet of other performers. a man and woman from the audience are taken up on stage in their seats.
The cast watches the audience, reacting to the screen. There's lots of spinning and flying and contorting and Cirque du Soleil-ing. the couple in their seats is suspended high over the stage. A woman stands on her hands on an audience chair. It's worth a YouTube.
They get a standing ovation.
Then Billy Crystal is back. "Wow, I pulled a ham string just watching that," he says.He segues into talking about age. Christopher Plummer is 82. "He may be walking up on stage tonight, because apparently he wanders off," he says.
Welcome Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr.Downey Jr. comes on late after Tebowing in the wings. He's followed by a camera crew on stage. He's filming a documentary called "The Presenter".He warns her not to talk when he's talking because "it'll be a nightmare in post". They want to have it on NetFlix by midnight.The camera crew crowds Gwynnie. She pulls Downey Jr. close, zoom in by the camera, and tells him he's being disrespectful and disruptive. He tells her he turned down "The Descendants" to prep for this.
He introduces the nominees.The Oscar goes to "Undefeated", by TJ Martin, Dan Lindsay and Rich Middlemas. "A year ago today we were sitting in our editing room, depressed, thinking no one was ever going to see this movie and a friend said, 'Don't worry, a year from now you're going to be at the Oscars'. And we said, 'You're an idiot'. We'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to him and say, 'You're a lot smarter than we thought'."We have the first bleep of the evening as one tries to acknowledge how crazy it is. "Documentary!", another covers.
They get played off.
Following that bleep, Chris Rock is up. He says he loves animation because you can play anything you want to be. Fat women can play thing, a white man can play an Arabian price. A black man can play a zebra or a donkey.He hates when people say it's hard work, it's the easiest job in the world. "I go in a booth and I go, 'What's the line?' and the guy goes, 'it's time to go to the store' and I go 'it's time to go to the store.'""And then they give me a million dollars!"
Best Animated Feature Film nominees roll. The Oscar goes "Rango", directed by Gore Verbinski.
He says the movie was like playing and thanks the studio for letting him try something different.
Cut to Billy Crystal in his dressing room. He opens the door and is greeted by Melissa McCarthy in character, suggesting they make the dressing room "an undressing room". She puts her foot up on the door, then puts the other foot up. It's time for best visual effects, presented by Ben Stiller and Emma Stone.
She goes full "Price is Right" presenter, then says it's her first time presenting. She suggests they banter and he shut her down, but really he's OK with it. Or she'll make up a song about "Real Steel" and "Hugo," she tries a few notes. She invites Jonah Hill up on stage to dance, but he gives her the no-go.Ben Stiller says you don't want to be the presenter who tries too hard."Like the guy who would dresses up in full 'Avatar' or something?"
Time for the nominees, with more commentary from cast and crew. For "Real Steel" they built the robots and then remade them as CGI. The Oscar goes to the team from "Hugo".
"I know it's an honor to be nominated, but it's a huge thrill to win," says the winner.
Billy Crystal is back and tells us the Harry Potter movies made $7.7 billion dollars. "And yet they only paid 14 percent income tax, which is interesting" he jokes.
Welcome Melissa Leo, 2011 Best Supporting Actress winner.She says some standard highfalutin actor praise to introduce the scenes. (Jason Segel is sitting behind nominee Nick Nolte and looks a little frightened.)The Oscar goes to Christopher Plummer for "Beginners". It's his first win, making him the oldest actor ever to win.He gets a standing O. (And he's wearing a velvet tux, thankyouverymuch.)
He soaks in the applause. He examines his statue. "You're only two years older than me, darling. Where have you been all my life?" he says.He confesses that when he emerged from his mother's womb, he was already rehearsing his acceptance speech. But, he jokes, lucky for you, he's forgotten it. He acknowledges his fellow nominees and his director and costar Ewan McGregor - "who I would happily share this award with if I had any decency, but I don't."He thanks his agents provacateur, who have tried so hard to keep him out of jail.
He thanks his "long suffering wife, Elaine, who deserves the Nobel Peace Prize."
Billy Crystal introduces a bit, about how he has the ability to know what nominees are thinking.Cut to Brad Pitt. "This better not go to late, I have six parent-teacher conferences in the morning," Billy offers.Morgan Freeman: "For 20 days and 20 nights, the emperor penguin...."George Clooney: "Billy didn't tell me that kiss was being filmed."Viola Davis: "I want to thank my agent, I want to thank my writer and my director for creating the role of a strong black woman that wasn't played by Tyler Perry."The dog from "The Artist": "If I had 'em, I'd lick 'em."
Then the president of the Academy to drone about promoting excellence in the motion picture industry. He gives a special thank you to Billy and the producers. (A subtle kick at Brett Ratner and Eddie Murphy.)
After that dry bit, Billy thanks him for "whipping the crowd into a frenzy".
Introduces the musical interlude, Oscar theme by Hans Zimmer. An elaborate set of sheet music rises majestically from below the stage for a few bars. and after that grand display, Billy concludes with "Meh" and jokes that this is why there's a buffet.
Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson are out next to introduce Best Original Score.The Oscar goes to "The Artist," Ludovic Bource.He stops to shake the hands of his fellow nominees on the way up. He tells his wife in French that he loves her.
Will Ferrell and Zach Galfianakas are introduced and come up out of the orchestra pit, solemnly banging cymbals in white tails. They stop to crash in Brad Pitt's face, then take the stage. Zach mispronounces his own name."As serious musicians, it is our pleasure to step out a minute from our day jobs to present the Oscar for best original song," says Will.
Zach points out that one of our nominees will join the ranks of 'When You Wish Upon a Star", "Moon River" and "It's Hard out Here for a Pimp".Clips of the nominees play - all two of them.
There's lots of fumbling of cymbals as they try to open the envelope. Bret McKenzie wins for "The Muppets", he says he was a huge fan of the Muppets growing up and he was genuinely star struck when he met Kermit the Frog. "But once you get to know him, he's just a normal frog. And like a lot of stars here tonight, he's shorter in person," he says.Then he thanks the people on the film (although not Jason Segel, who wrote it, starred in it and who the camera cuts to the audience).
Cigarette girls pass out popcorn into the commercial.
Billy proposes to the front row that they chip in and buy the Dodgers.
Billy botches his intro of Angelina Jolie and does mock rewind, to get out her intro as "the original girl with the dragon tattoo."No one hears what she says because the slit in her dress goes all the way up her leg, which she shows off.She introduces best adapted screenplay.
The Oscar goes to Alexander Payne, Jim Rash and Nat Faxon for "The Descendants".Nat and Jim are former members of the Groundlings, which explains why Jim sticks out his leg saucily, a la Angelina. Alexander points out his mom in the audience and says that his mom made him promise he'd dedicate the award to her, "just like Javier Bardem did".
Angelina is back to introduce the nominees for Best Original Screenplay. The Oscar goes to Woody Allen, for "Midnight in Paris". Naturally, he's not there.
More stars talk about what makes a great movie. Reese Witherspoon confesses "Overboard" is her favorite movie.Robert Downey Jr. suggests that's a great question to have Werner Herzog complicate. He obliges, but saying "it sticks to you forever". Huh?
Robert De Niro likes "A Place in the Sun".Warren Beatty says "every once in a while you get the truth from a movie".Brad Pitt sees moments of nobility.Sasha Baron Cohen says he always tries to make movies he would want to watch. "And I just happen to want to watch some really sick stuff."
Adam Sandler says one day he wants to eventually tell the truth, which adds a whole new backstory to "Jack and Jill".
Mila Jovovich strolls out to wrap up the scientific and technical awards. High speed digital cameras were recognized, as was a new gyro-camera system.
Billy is back and introduces the entire Bridesmaids cast. (Alas, Melissa McCarthy and Kristin Wiig have already lost their categories.)Kristin says they're there to show that size does matter.But not length, says Maya."As my grandma used to say, it can be short and still make your toes curl. And I believe in my heart that my grandma was referring not to wieners, but to short films," Maya goes on.
"I'd rather have a short film, with some heft that's nice to me than a long film that just lies there and makes you do all the work," Kristen says.They introduce the nominees.
The Oscar goes to "The Shore", by Terry George and his daughter Oorlagh George.Terry introduces his daughter, the producer. "Now I don't have to wait for her wedding to tell the world how great she is," he says. He dedicates the award to the Irish. She salutes her mom.
Rose Byrne and Melissa McCarthy give a solemn intro about short documentaries until someone shouts out "Scorsese!" at which point they remove the travel-sized vodkas from their dresses and do a shot.The Oscar goes to "Saving Face" by Daniel Junge and Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy.
Daniel thanks HBO and hands it over to Sharmeen, who thanks the heroes on the ground in Pakistan, including the plastic surgeon who is working on the women in the film. She urges the women of Pakistan who are working for change not to give up on their dreams.
On to best animated short film.The Oscar goes to "the Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore".They sing the praises of movies and thank the people who inspired and moved them.
Michael Douglas is out next to present Directing. He tells a story about Oscar-winning director Leo McCarey trying to borrow money from a bank, being asked what a director does. "Leo paused, then he went to another bank," he says.
The Oscar goes to Michel Hazanavicius for "The Artist"."I have an Oscar...I forgot my speech. I am the happiest director in the world right now, thank you for that," he says. He thanks the producers, the cast and crew and the dog," he says.
Meryl Streep is up next. Billy notes she's won twice of the 17 times she's been nominated so the other times she had to put on a happy face and be glad when someone else won. He suggests she get an Oscar just for that.
She wraps up the Governors Awards, honoring Oprah Winfrey, James Earl Jones and Dick Smith (make-up artist). James Earl accepts his honorary Oscar onstage in London where he's performing in "Driving Miss Daisy".Oprah starts crying and calls her recognition "unimaginable". Dick Smith calls it one of the best nights of his life.
The three honorees get a standing O from the crowd.
Then it's time for the In Memoriam segment, including two former Oscars producers, Laura Ziskin and Gil Gates. Billy speaks personally about Gil, a dear friend, who brought him to the awards.
The segment is set Esperanza Spaulding singing "What a Wonderful World". They show clips of some of the actor's most famous lines, including Peter Falk saying "As you wish".
More actors talk about movies, including Julia Roberts talking about relating and Phillip Seymour Hoffman saying you can feel them in your gut.Robert Downey Jr. talks about the finish product ideal being threatened by anyone being selfish or fearful.
"You're fighting with every ounce you have to make sure you will love it forever and when it doesn't turn out that way, it's painful. That's why people are weird who make movies, it's because they care more about their film than themselves," Jonah Hill says.
Edward Norton talks about marveling at great films.
"I've never had any of those feelings," Billy Crystal says when he comes back.
Natalie Portman is out next to present Best Actor. She talks to each man in the audience, complementing Damian Bichir for helping the audience relate to someone they usually don't think about in "A Better Life".
George Clooney "managed to make us believe you were just a regular guy...you subtlely and movingly conveyed the tricky mix of betrayal and grief" in "The Descendants".
Jean Dujardin "spoke volumes" in the silent film "The Artist".
Gary Oldman in "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy" with incredible nuance and restraint earned his first nomination.
Brad Pitt, "we were not watching a baseball story, because of your work we were watching an under dog story" in "Moneyball".
The Oscar goes to Jean Dujardin for "The Artist".
"I love your country," he says. He reads from his speech, noting that Douglas Fairbanks hosted the Oscars in 1929. Tickets cost $5 and the ceremony lasted 15 minutes. "Times have changed," he says.He pays homage to Douglas Fairbanks, acknowledges his wife and shouts out "awesome!" in French. ("Formidable!")
"They must be going nuts in France right now, or whatever they have in France in place of joy," Billy says.
Last year's Best Actor winner Colin Firth is out to address the Best Actress nominees.Glenn Close for "Alfred Nobbs": "the range of roles you've played over the years displays a brilliance of somewhat bewildering proportions".
Viola Davis for "The Help": "An actress who we've admired for many years has ventured even deeper into our imagination and will remain there for many years to come."
Rooney Mara: "In a very short space of time you presence has come to seem indispensable." (They show the scene of her torturing her rapist, yikes.)
Meryl Streep: "Mamma Mia...We were in Greece, we danced, I was gay and we were happy. I probably fathered your only daughter, they were perplexing times." He calls her "unreasonably good", making it a "little bit more difficult for the rest of us".
Michelle Williams: he calls her his mentor when they first met, and they can leave aside the fact that she was 12 and he was 35.
The Oscar goes to Meryl Streep, who has come dressed as Oscar.
They stand up.
"Oh, come on! When they called my name I had this feeling that I could hear half of America going, 'Oh c'mon, why her again?' But whatever," she says.She starts by thanking her husband for everything she values in her life.Then she thanks her make-up artist Roy Helland.
"I really understand I'll never want to be up here again, I really want to thank all my colleagues, all my friends. I look out here and I see my life before my eyes, my old friends, my new friends," she says.
"This is such a great honor, but the thing that counts the most with me is the friendships and the love and the sheer joy we have shared making movies together."
And then there was one, notes Billy.
Tom Cruise is out to present the award for Best Picture. They show clips from each.The Oscar goes to "The Artist".
They bring the dog up on the stage. Thomas Langmann, the producer, pays tribute to Oscar winner Claude Berri. Michel tells his kids it's 6:30 a.m. in France and they should go to bed in 30 seconds. He thanks his wife, the film's star Bérénice Bejo and says she's the soul of the film. Then he thanks three people: Billy Wilder, Billy Wilder and Billy Wilder.
Billy comes out and says good night.







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In order to get back at his dad, Bart goes undercover as a graffiti street artist and plasters Homer's unflattering image all over Springfield. But one night, Bart and Milhouse get caught in the act by established street artists Shepard Fairey, Ron English, Kenny Scharf and Robbie Conal, and to Bart's surprise, they invite him to exhibit his satirical artwork in his very own gallery show. Meanwhile, a hip, new health food superstore opens in Springfield that threatens to put Apu and the Kwik-E-Mart out of business.
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Karma gets the best of Homer after he gets his friends in trouble, and as a result, his bedwetting problem worsens. The family goes on a mission to infiltrate his dreams to search for clues in his subconscious to determine the source of his problem. But just as things take a dangerous turn in the dream, a figure from Homer's past appears, and he is finally reassured that the fond memories of his mother Mona remain alive, giving him just the right amount of reassurance to cure him of his problem.
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Mr. Burns replaces all of Springfield Power Plant's employees with robots but decides to keep Homer as the sole human worker. With unemployment at an all-time high and mechanical arms operating the workplace, Springfield becomes a dismal and humorless place. But when Homer's machine-programmed peers start to turn on the community and his former real-life employees come to the rescue, they all realize that robots can't replace human friends.
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Bart gets the family to take the cruise vacation of his dreams, and then launches a fiendish plot to ensure that it goes on forever.
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After accidentally injuring him Monty Burns gives Homer eight weeks paid leave during which time he imagines himself taking amatory lessons from cool, white-suited fictional spy Stradivarius Cain, though, in addition to getting back with Marge, he also charms a drug baron's wife with near unfortunate results. To teach Nelson a lesson for stealing other pupils' lunch money Bart persuades him to eat nothing but Krusty-burgers, which render him obese and unhealthy.
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After Ned and Edna announce publicly that they were secretly married, the two clash over how to raise Rod and Todd. |
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After a desperate attempt by Lisa to become more popular backfires, Lady Gaga shows up in Springfield to help her with her self-esteem. |
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A black hole threatens to swallow Springfield, Homer tries to find the source of paranormal activity, and a "Back to the Future" parody in which Bart keeps Marge from marrying Homer.
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When Marge's car falls into a sink hole, she buys the perfect replacement to fit her family of five. But she quickly grows to hate it because, as she tells a shocked Homer, the car would be too small if she wanted to have another baby. Meanwhile Bart and his friends are determined to find out what secret Lisa is keeping when Bart finds her cryptic messages and follows her sneaking off downtown for covert meetings after school.
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When Grandpa absconds from the retirement home the Simpsons follow a trail to a former night-spot where they learn that Grandpa was once a talented song writer and pianist, who, after Mona's departure, married singer Rita La Fleur but eschewed a musical career with her to look after Homer. The family locate her for a reconciliation whilst Lisa becomes addicted to online poker and almost loses her college fund though Bart saves the day.
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Homer is shocked to discover that his bowling teammate Dan Gillick, is an accountant for Fat Tony and his mob. When the government finally catches up with Fat Tony and he is forced to serve time...on a jury, he names Dan as his temporary replacement. Meanwhile, Lisa adds insects to her vegetarian diet after passing out during a saxophone solo, but starts questioning her decision when bugs start pleading for mercy in her dreams.
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Lisa tries to cheer up a down-in-the-dumps Homer by winning him a "MyPad" at the school auction. But he falls back into a funk when he breaks the magical tablet device - until Ned Flanders discovers a miracle tree in the Simpsons' backyard with bark that spells the word "HOPE".
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Homer joins the "Springfield Preppers," an off-the-grid survivalist group whose leader has set up a top-secret retreat outside of town to prepare for the end of the world. |
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Bart poses Millhouse as his father so that they can do adult activities, and Homer becomes skilled at finding lost objects thanks to Highlights magazine. |
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Homer's obsession with the TV show "Storage Battles" leads the family to discover Grampa's past identity as "Gorgeous Godfrey," the most feared, villainous man in pro-wrestling history |
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Ned gets fed up with Homer and punches him in the eye, and Lisa is a bullying victim from her new substitute teacher. |
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When Bart is accused of a prank he says he didn't commit, Lisa is forced to defend him in youth court, with former attorney general Janet Reno serving as judge. |
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Homer contemplates his next move after getting in the doghouse with Marge, while Millhouse's new Stanley Kowalski-inspired persona makes him suddenly attractive to Lisa. |
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Springfield gets a bedbug scare, the new assistant pastor at church appoints Homer as a deacon, and Marge loses her wedding dress. |
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A new makeover could put Moe in a position to make big money, Bart fails at his job of taking care of Grandpa, and Lisa fights the shameless exploitation of Bleeding Gums Murphy's likeness. |
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Homer, Moe, Lenny and Carl win the lottery, but Carl steals the ticket and leaves with the money for Iceland. |
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When Marge tries to buy Homer snack cakes for their anniversary, she winds up meeting a married man who shares a common love of British Television (voice of Seth Macfarlane). |
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Home vanishes after a convention, and returns a changed man who eschews pork, sings songs in a strange language, and prays to the middleeast on a prayer rug. Lisa suspects her father is a terrorist, and informs an FBI agent with issues. Lisa eventually joins his cause when he reveals his true motive, and shots are fired.
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While attending a funeral, Homer, Marge, Mr. Burns, and Kent Brockman recall a past regret and try to find a way to rectify the situation. |
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