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Three different but related families face trials and tribulations in their own uniquely comedic ways.
Jay Pritchett sits at the head of a large, unconventional family. Now in his second marriage to gorgeous young wife Gloria, Jay has been given something of a second chance. Still, old habits are hard to break, and it's trial by fire as he tries to adapt to life with the same passion and vigor that Gloria exhibits, which are matched by her precocious 12-year-old son Manny. There are culture clashes and a few misunderstandings, but also plenty of sweet victories along the way. Jay's grown daughter Claire and her husband Phil are the proud parents of three kids with whom they want that open, healthy, honest relationship. It's not always easy, especially when you have Haley, a teenage daughter who's growing up a little fast; Alex, a too-smart-for-her-own-good middle daughter; and Luke, a scatterbrained boy. Add to this that Phil is just a big kid himself, even if he does always have the best intentions. Claire is the anchor, trying her best to run a tight ship and determined not to let her kids have the rebellious childhood she had. Claire's brother Mitchell and his partner Cameron are busy raising their adopted daughter Lily. Opposites attract in this household, with Cameron having a wonderfully big personality and maybe a flare for the dramatic, while Mitchell is more buttoned-down. These doting fathers balance each other out and relish their roles as parents developing their own little family.
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Seasons
- Season 1 24 episodes
- Season 2 25 episodes
- Season 3 24 episodes
- Season 4 24 episodes
- Season 5 24 episodes
- Season 6 24 episodes
- Season 7 22 episodes
- Season 8 22 episodes
- Season 9 22 episodes
- Season 10 22 episodes
- Season 11 7 episodes
Episodes
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Jay decided to give Manny the best gift his own father ever gave him: a BB gun. And as Gloria continues to search for her keys (and the male audience drools at her), Manny questions getting a toy meant for someone six years older than him. But Jay never really thought Manny ever acted like a kid, which he appreciated. But Manny didn't appreciate that compliment. He wants to mix sodas to see what they taste like and make crank phone calls, but somehow his call to Seymour Butts manages to backfire on him. And that soda thing was actually kind of disgusting.
In Phil's car, he's cutting through temple parking lots, running red lights, blowing out tires, and Haley actually has to tell him to watch the road. Luke is getting the scarier ride, since Claire is suddenly up in arms about Luke wanting to go with Phil to the restaurant instead of her. But Haley and Alex would rather deal with that then spend another summer at Family Camp for a hoedown and another round of "white domination" by Phil. Haley and Alex get up the courage to tell Phil they didn't want to go to Family Camp, as he assures them they can talk about anything in the "Cone of Trust." (his car) They tell him, and Phil realizes the day has come where his kids have outgrown him. ("Dad, are you crying?") He was, and then the girls start crying. And when Luke reassures Claire that she is actually fun and he wanted to go with Dad because he thought he needed it more, Claire makes a visit to the waterworks. Claire is upset that she can't be the fun parent, but Luke thinks her way would have been the fastest to the restaurant. Claire decides to be the fun parent and floor it.
Mitchell is going crazy trying to find a gift, and Cam's making him crazier by spending eight minutes talking to the stationery store clerk and helping an old man communicate with his about-to-be-ex wife...loudly. And now Mitchell has to keep the old man alive while Cam runs to find his wife. They try to have the couple communicate via cell phone. One destroyed cell phone later, (Mitchell's phone, natch) Cameron is dragging the poor lady up the escalator. And back down again. And it wasn't even his wife. (Saw that coming a mile away, didn't you?)
Gloria is livid she can't find her keys. Probably because they were in Jay's coat pocket. He slips them into her purse and suggests she look through her purse again. She finds them and instantly accuses Jay of putting them there. But Jay has to deal with Manny floating on an inflatable beach raft in the pool, lamenting he was never a kid and never would be. He wants to cancel his birthday dinner, and Gloria explodes. She shoots the raft with the BB gun and threatens Jay with it to get both of them out of the house. And Jay falls for the old "I won't get mad if you tell me" trick when Gloria asks him if he put her keys in her purse.
Mitchell is beyond furious for Cameron wasting their time trying to help "the most adult adulterers they've ever seen." Suddenly, a flash mob broke out in the mall square dancing to "Free Your Mind" by En Vogue. Cameron wants to watch the choreographed dance, but Mitch decides he'd rather participate. Cam is shocked, but apparently Mitch set this up with a co-worker at his firm (who wasn't gay, as he found out) as a "love letter" to Cameron. (Awwww....) But it turns out Cameron didn't like Mitchell acting like a jerk all day and rushing around just to get to the flash mob.
CAMERON: You cheated on me with choreography, and that is the worst kind. YOU DANCED WITHOUT ME!
Everybody's distracted and almost cause a crash at the restaurant.
MANNY: When I saw all of you acting like children, I realized I had plenty of time to be a kid.
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Jay (Ed O'Neill) and Gloria (Sofía Vergara) were heading to dinner with Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) and Cameron (Eric Stonestreet), as Cameron's father, Merle (Barry Corbin), was in town. That meant their house was free for Haley (Sarah Hyland) to have a pool party. Haley convinced Gloria there would be a chaperone, someone very responsible, like her uncle. Of course, remembering the family tree, Manny (Rico Rodriguez) was technically Haley's uncle, so that worked for her. Not that she told Gloria that, and she only told her parents her uncle graciously volunteered to chaperone. And Manny did...even better than Phil or Claire would have.
Over at Mitch and Cam's, Merle and Cam were having their usual arguments about Merle not liking Jay. It turns out, Jay had a good reason. Merle always treated Mitchell like he's the 'wife' in Cam and Mitch's relationship, even buying Mitchell a women's watch as a gift. Sure enough, when Merle told the story of how Cam threw a tractor tire through a chicken coop when he was 3, Jay countered with Mitchell needing 17 stitches when he karate-chopped a plate glass window.
GLORIA: Oh, I love that story. Which Charlie's Angel was he trying to be?
Actually, Merle knew that already because Mitch had told him the story...and even giggled about it, much to Jay's consternation. Jay claimed Cam had the higher-pitched laugh, which degenerated into a 'top this' argument about giggles. Which for some reason, Mitch and Cam interpreted as the two getting along from the kitchen. But Cam admitted to Mitch that Merle thought Jay came off as a tough guy sometimes, which would rub a real tough-guy like Merle the wrong way. Suddenly Mitch was defending his father. But Cam said Jay was 'city tough' as opposed to 'farm tough'.
MITCHELL: Oh, you mean cities, where there's gangs, as opposed to farms, where there are ducks...
But on the good side, the two dads bonded over the new bed Cam never was able to finish. Both of them admitted wanting to see the other's son as the 'wife' in the relationship because the relationship was a lot to get used to at their age.
Phil, realizing he never had a lot of father-daughter adventures with Alex (Ariel Winter), asked her to accompany him to throw Walt's army dog tags into the Pacific, since Walt's daughter hadn't talked to him in ages. Alex thought some otter might find them and choke on them, but a passing bird grabbed them off the roof of the car to make that irrelevant. Unfazed, Phil took Alex 50 miles to get the 'world's greatest milkshake', only the machine was broken. But there was still hope, as their waitress at the diner was ready to give birth at any moment. (And Phil tried to help her along by scaring her into labor.) Meanwhile, Claire ordered Luke to return the TV to Walt's house and was still upset Luke wouldn't react to it. Of course, her smiling while she told the Meals on Wheels lady about Walt dying might have been worse. Same with telling the UPS delivery person. Even Luke thinks she is crazy, but she tells him to put the TV back where he found it. He put it in the spot where he could see it from his own bedroom and knew Walt was awake at night if the TV was on. It was enough for Claire and she gave him a hug.
Phil was still trying to get the waitress into labor, even resorting to making her fix the table in the diner while he pounded on it. Alex was embarrassed, naturally, but it actually worked. The waitress started feeling labor pains...right as a couple of doctors entered the diner. Alex finally confronted Phil about it, who admitted Walt didn't have a relationship with his daughter and he didn't want to make the same mistake. He wanted to be like Eugene Cernan, the last man on the moon, who drew his daughter's initials into the lunar surface so there would always be a message for her. Alex admitted that was pretty cool that Phil wanted to bond...although not over her throwing up from eating too much food at the diner.
ALEX: You know a day I'll never forget is the day my dad tried to create a special memory for me. Or when the pregnant lady slipped in my vomit.
But Phil did have one last trick up his sleeve: drawing Alex's initials into the sign of the Moonbeam Diner where they ate.
At the end of the night, though, Gloria was ticked at both Manny and Haley. Haley for throwing the party and Manny for not enjoying it.
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Jay (Ed O'Neill), Gloria (Sofía Vergara), and Manny (Rico Rodriguez) are making a weekend trip up to Pebble Beach…
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Jay (Ed O'Neill), Gloria (Sofía Vergara), and Manny (Rico Rodriguez) are making a weekend trip up to Pebble Beach so Jay can meet up with some of his old football buddies, which was one of the best times in his life. Of course back then, you could only have a good time if you were a straight white male who was good at football. He's really trying to step up his game because he claimed he was something of a legend. (Insert Married with Children joke here.) He even rents a small plane to fly them up there. And suddenly Gloria puts her foot down and refuses to get on it. So they try to drive up there, a four-hour trip with no bathroom breaks. (Manny may want to hold on to that super-sized soda cup.) But a pothole takes out the strut on Jay's SUV and they would be stranded in the middle of nowhere. The mechanic, seeing Gloria, offered to take them up in an old Apache helicopter. Gloria wasn't having that either, no. Manny was not thrilled about staying in a motel ("the amenities really fall off when you go from an 'h' to an 'm'), but Jay thinks they can still get to Pebble Beach by hopping a freight train. Finally, Gloria's had enough and wants to take Manny home and leave Jay behind. It turns out, Jay wanted to show her off because he highly exaggerated how much of a legend he was. He was actually a very shy kid who rode the bench and wanted to show off Gloria to the more popular jocks to prove he made something of himself. Gloria was upset...that he didn't say that in the first place. She got right on that helicopter and got herself "all trophied up", and Manny enjoyed the resort to the fullest, even sending flowers to the concierge. (on Jay's tab, natch)
TRAINS
Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) and Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) took Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) on her first subway ride through L.A. But she needed her shoes tied, so Cam tosses Mitch Lily's Mr. Bunny stuffed animal to hold while he ties her shoes...only Mitchell wasn't paying attention and Mr. Bunny got thrown back in the train. Lily, you might suspect was despondent and kept the guys up all night with her crying. Cam put up lost signs with Lily and Mr. Bunny, although only offering a $25 reward wasn't exactly good parenting without emphasizing the BUNNY was lost, not Lily. Mitchell tries to convince Lily that Mr. Bunny called him and was having a great adventure in St. Louis visiting his girlfriend. Except, according to Lily, Mr. Bunny doesn't talk and has a boyfriend (awwww...), so she high-tails it to St. Louis to get Mr. Bunny back. Finally, Mitch and Cam head to the subway to put the new flyers up, although a Helvetica font would have communicated need, according to Cam. Mitch thought Lily should just deal with it, like he had to when Jay wouldn't get his Luke Skywalker action figure back (the one with the short, white robe, not the all-black outfit...apparently this is important). Luckily, they find Mr. Bunny in the possession of a sleeping homeless man. They try to extract it, only to have the homeless man cough heavily and wipe his nose on it. Well, kids have to deal with loss at some point.
CARS
Phil (Ty Burrell) is looking for a car to lease, and he wasn't thrilled about leasing a Cadillac again. (don't ask) Andre (Kevin Hart), his neighbor, talks him into taking the Porsche 911 Convertible for a spin. And Phil is convinced, a little sentimental for the days when he imagined the wind blowing through his perm, listening to Hall & Oates, and having some fun with his Mr. Microphone. (ANDRE: Yeah, we wouldn't have been friends back then.)
PHIL: (pointing at the Porsche) I'd like to take her for a spin. Let's get her top down, let's see what she can do.
(of course, there was a woman in front of the Porsche when he said that)
Claire (Julie Bowen) did the typical "saying I love it when I really want to kill you" routine that housewives are famous for, and Phil is going crazy because he knows that's what she's doing and she won't cave in and admit it. But he has bigger problems as he has to pick up some clients. As in plural. They switch cars and Claire drives around in the Porsche. And she LOVES it. In fact, she loves it so much, she decides to drive up the coast and spend the entire day at the beach. She even did cartwheels in the sand, which is a great way to lose your car keys. Meanwhile, Phil is running errands, including shuttling the kids around, and he realizes how much disconnect there is these days between the kids and him. He goes to get Claire, and both of them realize they needed a day to themselves to just unwind and enjoy each other. Rather than keeping the Porsche, they agree to spend one day at the beach by themselves every month. And Phil did some impressive backflips to celebrate.
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Once they get to the park, things get a little goofy. (pun intended) Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) has a habit of running off these days, so Cam (Eric Stonestreet) put a child-safety harness on her. (MITCHELL: It's a leash.) Cam may have been right to do it, but Lily barking and getting it tangled up with a set of twins also on child-safety harnesses certainly didn't endear them to anybody in the park...not even a guy who wore socks with sandals. After chasing Chip and Dale once too many times, Mitchell all but begs Jay for help. Jay's solution is to put Lily in high-heeled princess shoes, despite Cam and Mitch's protests about having Lily wear high heels at such a young age. But it works great, and Lily loves the shoes. And Jay even remarks "she's got great gams for a three-year-old." Interestingly, the opposite worked for Gloria, who had been snapping at Jay all day because her feet were killing her. Jay wanted her to admit he was right, but instead simply gave up and bought her some Minnie Mouse slippers to wear around the park. They worked so well, Gloria was practically in tears thanking him. They even kissed. (Hell, Mitch and Cam kiss on the show more than Jay and Gloria.)
Phil (Ty Burrell) and Luke try all of the dangerous rides, particularly the roller coasters. However, after two or three, Phil looks like crap. Jay thinks it's because he's getting older and his inner ear makes rides like that tougher to take, which depresses Phil to no end. He wants to be able to do fun, crazy things with Luke for as long as he can, but Luke promises to stick by him and do whatever crazy things he can handle, even if he's in a wheelchair. Fortunately for Phil, Claire noticed Phil had a temperature, which meant Phil actually had the flu.
Claire's plan for Haley wasn't working great, mostly because Haley was still pining for Dylan and Alex (Ariel Winter) was hitting it off with Ethan. (CLAIRE: I just set up my 14-year-old with a college student.) But then, Dylan showed up in the park. Actually, he worked there as one of those "Dapper Dans" who ride on bicycles and sing. ("Oh, my God. He looks like those pictures of Grandpa from high school!") Claire was even more estatic when Haley basically pushed Alex out of the way and became interested in Ethan. However, Dylan wouldn't be swayed. Donning a Little John costume from Robin Hood, Dylan tried to win her back, saying he didn't call her because he got fired from the dude ranch in Wyoming and was embarrassed to be working at Disneyland. Ethan showed and tried telling Dylan to leave. Then they got into a shoving match. Well, they will once Dylan figures out how to stand up again in the costume. But since this is a sitcom, naturally Haley goes back to Dylan and Ethan leaves with some friends. But at least Claire doesn't have to worry about Alex dating a college boy.
Jay made everyone go to the "Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln" show at Disneyland. ("It's a robotic president. What's not to love?") But there was a lot of significance for Jay. During the day he took Claire and Mitch by himself to Disneyland, he got more and more upset DeDe bailed on the three of them simply because he taped a football game over her show, and he was ready to leave her when he got home that night. But then he sat and listened to the speech by the animatronic President Lincoln.
JAY: (interview) I don't know what happened. Maybe it's what Robot Lincoln said about a man's duty or keeping the union together. Maybe I just chickened out. But I realized that staying with my kids was more important than leaving my wife. That's not the right decision for everyone, but it was the right decision for me. So I stuck it out until they were grown.
GLORIA: (calling out) Jay, you want to join me in the Jacuzzi?
JAY: (big smile) And the universe rewarded me.
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The art project was going to be taking a classic Norman Rockwell painting of a family having a turkey dinner around the table and recreating it with her family. Therefore Alex enlisted the help of Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) to get some of the items she'd need. Trouble is, Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) had a habit of flicking lights on and off all over Phil and Claire's house...along with the garbage disposal. Claire (Julie Bowen) tried to tell her to stop, but Cam was saying they weren't trying to teach the word "no" to Lily because she'd rebel. Not to mention letting Lily decide when she wanted to nap. If you think Cameron got this out of the latest parenting book, you must be a parent who has a lot more sense than that, like Claire. If only Jay (Ed O'Neill) had enough sense to zip his lip at the diner where he showed Gloria (Sofía Vergara) the sandwich they named after him. Which Gloria didn't like. ("It's like a fish and a turkey beat themselves to death with a pepper.") Nor did she like Maxine the waitress telling her Jay had a neck problem since Jay never told her about it. Same thing with the audit Jay's company was going through. Jay told her she didn't have to be 100% honest all the time, since in a relationship, it's sometimes best to hold things back and think of the other person's feelings. Oops, can open, worms everywhere! Of course, now Jay has to admit to EVERYTHING he didn't tell Gloria that drove him nuts, like how loud she is. ("Not all the time. Only when you...talk.")
As Mitchell and Phil totally misinterpret what the other was saying about Mitch working at Phil's firm so neither hurts the other's feelings (it's like that episode of The Brady Bunch where Greg doesn't want to tell his dad he doesn't want to be an architect), Manny (Rico Rodriguez) tries to convince Luke to be honest about setting the fire in the first place. But Luke wasn't having it, even after Manny tried to guilt trip him with the American flag. Meanwhile, Claire found the perfect resolution to Lily flipping all of the switches in the house. Actually, Cam did when Alex threw a modern-day spoon on the table into the sink where the garbage disposal was. He tried to retrieve it and got stuck. And Lily was making her way around to the garbage disposal switch again. But Claire didn't want to say no to Lily; she wanted to respect Cam's wishes. And the disposal went off!! Actually, it was Claire turning on a mixer; Lily was never near the disposal switch but Cam was certainly ticked off.
Mitchell shows up at Phil's office, much to his surprise because he thought he successfully told Mitch he was fired. But Mitch was trying to avoid confrontation, and Phil was going blinky like he always does when confronted. (Phil hates confrontations. What a shock.) But Phil gets him into the elevator and fires him right before the doors close. Only they get stuck and now the two are having an argument about who got to leave first. (PHIL: I haven't felt this terrible since I tried to break up with Claire 20 years ago!) Of course, now all of Phil's co-workers thought Mitch was disgruntled and lazy and didn't believe he was tanking the job on purpose.
MITCHELL: I was stuck in there for hours with everybody staring at me. I finally had to lie down. Didn't help my reputation.
It was time for everyone to go to Alex's school and pose for the picture. And everybody, naturally, was fighting. Alex tried to get everybody to focus because she wanted to impress Mr. Gorgeous...Jarvis! (Yes, Alex had a crush on her teacher.) The curtains open, and everybody has to be still like in the painting. Naturally, everybody still yelled at each other through clenched teeth. Cam even managed to spill picking Haley up late at night and bringing her home. Phil wanted Mitchell's parking pass back, Manny ratted out Luke for setting the fire, and Lily kept wanting some turkey. Alex got a B-, but at least Mr. Jarvis remembered her name. So she had that going for her. Which was nice. Dinner at the diner where Jay had the sandwich named after him wasn't happening, however. Nobody wanted to go. Claire didn't think she overstepped her bounds, Gloria didn't think she was too loud, Cam didn't think he was overly-sensitive when it came to parenting, and Mitchell was upset because he had never been fired from anything in his life.
CAMERON: Then perhaps what you're feeling is a little insecurity about your work for the first time.
MITCHELL: That's hogwash.
CAMERON: As someone who's seen actual hogwash, I can assure that is not.
Eventually, everybody joins Jay at the diner. Phil really needed a hug from Maxine, the waitress. (PHIL: Second-best hugger behind Mr. Burt Reynolds.) Even Gloria came back when she realized she was just jealous Maxine knew all of these things about Jay and she didn't. She even ordered the Jay Pritchett...without the anchovies.
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Alex (Ariel Winter) was heading to her school prom (they have those in 8th grade?) and she was worried about the dress she had. She didn't like that Claire (Julie Bowen) thought she was adorable in it, and Phil (Ty Burrell) thought she looked "super sexy". (Eww...) None of them were worried about Alex getting out of control, and she was quite offended by it. So she tried to hide her date on purpose to make it seem like he was a bad boy. Turns out he was a bad boy. He thought Jud Fry in Oklahoma! always got a raw deal. Yup, even Alex knew he was gay. Meanwhile, Haley (Sarah Hyland) was planning to take a "gap year" like her school counselor recommended. She would take community classes, get out in the world, and work at The Gap. She got the job and offered to cook dinner for her parents and invite Dylan over. Yes, she has ulterior motives. She decided she was going to move in with Dylan, who was starting up his own t-shirt business. (DYLAN: They're going to be huge...and medium and small because they come in those sizes, too.) Haley wanted to spring it on them gradually. Which of course meant Dylan accidentally let it slip.
As Phil and Claire painted quite a vivid picture of how Haley's and Dylan's lives would be (and somehow Phil's version included nuclear launch codes), Gloria was getting carsick from Cam's driving. However, it wouldn't get better. The family priest told them the grandmother feared a curse over the entire family. And then Juanita, the mom's sister, gets mad at the nurse for telling the grandmother about the baby and the nurse is mad at Juanita for stealing her lover. Yes, Gloria, Cameron, and Mitchell were stuck in the middle of a Spanish soap opera. By the time the long-lost lover, Eduardo, confessed to telling the grandmother about the baby because he swore to his lover, their mother, he'd protect the family, Cam, Mitch, and Gloria pretty much gave up. Cameron lost it a bit, and then Mitchell REALLY lost it. He couldn't handle being so close so many times only to have the rug pulled out from under him and missing Lily growing up at the same time. Cam and Mitch decide to put adopting another baby on hold.
Lily refused to go on stage, and Jay found out she wasn't happy about having a little brother. Jay told her Mitch and Cam would love her just as much as her new brother.
JAY: I had your Aunt Claire and when your dad came along, and I loved them just the same, no matter what he tells you.
Lily still refused to do her recital, but Jay dancing with her on stage was just the trick.
Haley was tired of being ganged up on by her parents about moving in with Dylan (although good call threatening that she'll wear Alex's hand-me-downs because she couldn't afford clothes). But it turns out Luke (Nolan Gould) had their back. He had been hiding some of the mail, like jury duty the day they went to Disney Land, the bill for the birdhouse he broke at the dude ranch, the ticket they got when he drove their car. But he was also hiding Haley's acceptance letter into college because he didn't want to see her go. He showed that letter to Dylan, who brought it down to Haley and said going to college was the best plan of all. Phil and Claire were ecstatic, to say the least. And all Dylan wants in return is to go to prom. Claire will let her borrow the purple dress she said Claire was too old for, and Phil had a tuxedo Dylan could wear. Double-breasted. (DYLAN: Perfect. So am I.)
GLORIA: There's certain moments in life you never forget. Like when I held Manny in my arms for the very first time. I was nervous. I didn't know what I was doing. I was so excited to see him grow up, and the more he becomes the little man I know today, the more I know I'd do it all over again.
And Gloria will. She wasn't carsick; she was pregnant.
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In the meantime, Cameron (congrats on the Emmy, Eric Stonestreet) and Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) had to talk about the elephant in the room. The stuffed one Pepper got them because they were supposed to have a second child now. (MITCHELL: The gay community really hasn't figured out how to modulate baby gifts.) They also had to deal with the 800-pound gorilla...stuffed too, yes...and convince themselves that not getting that second child will work out better in the long run. Of course, now they had to tell Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons). But Lily will settle for getting a kitten. And when the charity store wouldn't even take the elephant and the gorilla, Cam was starting to see the point of getting one.
MITCHELL: So, what you're saying is you have a child-shaped hole in your heart and your plan is to cram a cat into there?
Gloria did manage to tell Manny about being pregnant, who did not take it well. He didn't think Gloria could take care of a baby.
GLORIA: (offended) I took care of you!
MANNY: Please, I was an anomaly. I self-potty trained.
Both agreed Jay won't take it well because he is slow to accept change. ("He still checks the front step for the evening paper.")
Oh, word of advice: never lead a struggling, blindfolded man down a dock, even if it's to get into a fishing boat. And if you do, don't have a son-in-law who calms you by punching you in the face. But they get him in the boat and make him realize he now gets to reap the rewards of all of his years of hard work. Such as Miles (Ernie Hudson) shagging 42 golf balls on the golf course. And then Phil, who takes Shorty's advice to grow a beard, starts the boat. BTW, Jay was sitting on the back of the boat. Yes, he's in the water again.
Claire (congrats on the Emmy, Julie Bowen) had some cleaning up to do, since Haley (Sarah Hyland) and Dylan got a bit drunk at Alex's (Ariel Winter) prom the prior night and Alex...didn't. While drinking Mom's hangover cure (according to Mom, anyway), she begged Claire to let Dylan stay at their house since he couldn't afford his apartment anymore. Claire vehemently said no and Haley went to throw up. Gloria stops by and tells Claire she's pregnant. Claire congratulates her and said she was going to get fat...and not in that order. But given Jay's penchant for having no tact, Claire figured she had to run interference before he blurted out the wrong thing to Gloria and ended up in divorce court.
Cam and Mitchell's efforts to get a cat went about as well as getting rid of the gorilla and elephant, which were still on top of their car in a slightly-compromising position. And the fact that there are almost no positions you can put an elephant and a gorilla on top of a Prius without it looking dirty, they finally break down and admit not getting a second child is hurting them. They contemplate going to Europe (since Mitch shot down Branson, Missouri), but hugging it out seemed to help. Best of all, they got the elephant and the gorilla into a non-sexual position on top of the Prius. They drove away...and the elephant fell between the gorilla's legs.
Jay makes it back to his house and Claire intercepts him. She tells him someone has some big news to tell him and is very vulnerable, and Claire doesn't want him to react the way he normally does. Naturally, this is when Cam and Mitch come through the door and announce they're getting a cat. Sure enough, Jay goes overboard with supporting them. And he'll love the hell out of it so much, he'll make that little one over there jealous.
MANNY: (who was standing next to Stella II) Oh, this little one will be just fine now that he knows where he stands! In the shadow of your new baby!!
Oops. Now the cat's out of the bag...as it were. Gloria comes out and tells her the truth.
LUKE: Eww, gross. I didn't know grandpa could still do it.
PHIL: Don't be disrespectful, Luke! Anyone could do it with Gloria.
But Gloria gave Jay both barrels before he could even react, saying she would raise the baby on her own if he was too set in his ways to be happy about it.
GLORIA: I come from a very long line of strong proud Latin women whose husbands are nowhere to be found!
JAY: Are you done?
GLORIA: (still mad) Yes!
JAY: That is the greatest news I've ever heard. I spent the day hearing what my future had in store for me and I didn't like one bit of it. I felt like my life was ending. And now you're telling me I get to have a new start with the woman of my dreams. I think I'm going to cry. It's going to be great!
GLORIA: I'm going to get so fat.
JAY: Mostly great!
And at the end of the summer, Luke (Nolan Gould) is still grossed out Grandpa's doing it, Claire insists Dylan finally move out of the house and Phil shave his beard, Manny reads something he wrote at poetry camp, and Cam and Mitchell take two weeks in London, mostly so Mitch's scratches from Larry the cat heal.
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CLAIRE: Did you know Chrissy is eight years older than me?
PHIL: I would have said eight years younger. It's like there's a little spark in them...actually why am I saying this? You used to have it.
However, Claire would have to settle arguments with Alex (Ariel Winter) and Haley (Sarah Hyland), who is already Skyping from college wondering when her clothes will be sent and why Alex now looks like a goth dork instead of just a dork just to impress some kid at school. But Claire has to take Phil for his assectomy...according to Luke (Nolan Gould).
As Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) skates around the issue of Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) going back to work now that Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) was in kindergarten, Claire couldn't drive Phil to get his vasectomy. She needed forever to mail Haley's clothes and Luke forgot his science project at school, so she arranged for alternative transportation for Phil. (JAY: Let's go! Chop chop!) Claire goes to put the science project in his locker, not knowing Luke had rigged it because someone had been breaking into it. Now she was covered in yogurt...right as students let out into the halls. Including Luke, who accused her of embarrassing him.
CLAIRE: (steam coming out of her ears) Five more years...five more years...
Mitch and Cam head to Longines' clothing store, who was a little short-staffed. It was very hard to hire someone who had good taste in shirts and great people skills. Throw in a little reverse psychology from Mitch, and Longines had a new employee. That is until Jeoux (pronounced "Joe") spilled the beans about Mitch's and Longines' devious plan and walked out.
Meanwhile, Jay (Ed O'Neill) and Gloria (Sofía Vergara) got a healthy report from the obstetrician about their baby. She asked if they wanted to know the baby's gender. Jay did, Gloria didn't. Jay, you might suspect, didn't want any surprises. (JAY: I'm 65. If she wants a surprise, she should go buy Cracker Jacks.) The other problem is Gloria hadn't yet switched to maternity clothing, even though she was starting to show. This would prove problematic, as she thought she could flirt with Manny's new music teacher to get him the lead in Oliver! Of course, Manny (Rico Rodriguez) didn't think that was a good idea but didn't have the heart to tell Gloria it was time to switch clothes. Finally, he does, and Gloria naturally freaks out. She's mad at him until her clothes start ripping. But Manny calms her and gets her to a nearby maternity store, promising that she's got two partners to help her instead of none like the last time she had a child.
As Jay now has to track down Phil, who got scared and ran when someone else's vasectomy didn't go so well, Claire catches Alex trying to get a buzz cut from Schuyler, who was very into the goth look. Claire is out of her mind about it...and goes further out of her mind when she grabs the clippers and chases Alex with them. Only she manages to get Schuyler with them and take out a significant portion of her hair. Although her freaking out still didn't compare to Cam freaking out about being set up. Cam thinks his life isn't empty. He even has a master project he's working on: a Lycra mermaid costume for the cat. And suddenly he realizes how pathetic that sounds. Cam understood Mitchell didn't think he was lazy like his dad did on the farm. Cam thinks he needs to find something, and Mitchell agrees he's a better person when he's challenged. Mitch promises to help him find something that he wants. It turns out that thing he wants is to teach music again. At Manny's school.
Jay finally tracks Phil down and convinces him he won't be less of a man for getting a vasectomy. Actually, Phil was more worried about the pain, but Jay tells him the fear is bigger than the reality. Phil doesn't believe him because he's never seen Jay afraid of anything. But Jay wanted to know the sex of his baby because he was afraid of having a girl. He had gone through it with Claire. Even though they were good now, Jay realized he wouldn't be around long enough to make things right if he had the same thing happen with another girl. He admitted he was not sensitive enough to take care of a girl.
PHIL: You're being sensitive right now. I was hysterical, and you calmed me down. I don't think you're the same guy you used to be.
JAY: So you're saying if I can calm you down, I can handle any other little girl.
Jay commemorates the moment with Phil on the bench. Behind which the bench said "not a real man."
Claire gets to the hospital before Phil has the procedure to tell him how her day ended. It turns out Claire did Alex a favor; Schulyer was kind of horrible. Of course, Haley had been through this with a James Taylor concert and advised Alex not to let Claire know she helped her or she wouldn't hear the end of it. Claire overheard all of this, as well as received an apology rose from Luke. They decide to wait at least five years before starting the five-year plan.
JAY: I've always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door you go through, and sometimes you don't get that choice. But you still have to walk through it. So either you can go through kicking and screaming or walk through with your head held high. And since I don't get to choose the door I'm about to go through, I just pray it's a healthy, happy kid. And a boy.
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As Jay thanks his lucky stars he has a trip to San Francisco and gets a night away from the snoring machine, Cam is excited and confident he'll knock the socks off of middle school students. (You already know what's coming, don't you.) But Mitch is being supportive, even handling Lily duties for the day, the list of which Cam must remind him of, naturally. Meanwhile, Luke wants to quit doing magic because he isn't interested in it, and Claire thinks Phil will be OK with that. (No, he's not.)
You have to give Cameron credit for the enthusiasm, but middle school kids are the toughest to teach. (I know this first-hand, having taught Math.) But Cam pushed forward and tried to teach the kids about his good friend...music. And Luke and Manny pretended they didn't know him. Mitchell wasn't having much more luck getting Lily to school, thanks to traffic, not strapping her seat in the car correctly, and Lily pointing these things out to him. Cam checked in with him at the grocery store and even helped Mitch find Lily when she wandered off in the store.
Jay ended up not needing to stay in Frisco ("They hate it when you call it Frisco.") overnight and he hadn't slept in a week. Claire's (Julie Bowen) advice about Gloria's snoring? Suck it up.
CLAIRE: Your hot wife, who was learning to walk when you were 30 years old, is pregnant with the baby you conceived doing something most men would kill to do!
And Claire said Gloria was going through so much with the extra weight, which was up to 45 pounds by the time Jay hung up. By the time Jay got home, even Stella II was begging for help. Jay snuck out and headed for a hotel.
Meanwhile, Phil made a deal with Luke: he could quit magic if he could execute The Butler's Escape, where Luke is shackled in a butler's uniform and obviously must get out of it. Which he did...even before Phil had finished tying him upside down. Phil was upset because Luke didn't share one of his interests, but Claire found some wisdom in what was going on. Alex (Ariel Winter) had been sniping at everybody and Claire couldn't figure out why. But the opposing forces needed to make the Butler's Escape work was figuratively what Claire needed. Alex was missing her opposing force: Haley (Sarah Hyland). But one nasty Skype call to Haley, and the family was balanced once again.
At home, Lily had her braids done, the dimmer switch was fixed, and there was even a nice meal on the table...all thanks to Claire but Cam doesn't need to know that. But Cam broke down and admitted his first day was a disaster. Even the other teachers didn't like him. Mitchell tried to still take credit for his work, but Claire ratted him out, saying Mitch was every bit the failure he was today. But Cam hugged Mitch, figuring he was on the receiving end of many sisterly insults that day. (CLAIRE: Is this going to work its way around to a 'thank you', ladies?)
Gloria calls Jay to surprise him and say she took a plane to San Francisco. Jay panics, grabs all of his stuff, and runs down to the hotel lobby. Where, of course, a ticked-off Gloria is waiting for him. Apparently, Manny was already at the hotel looking for peace and quiet, since the library was a total pickup scene. Gloria thought he was having an affair, but Jay confessed needing a night away from her snoring and hogging the bed like Rush Limbaugh. (Ironic, given Gloria sleeps on the left side of the bed.) Gloria was mad at him for not saying anything, even though he didn't want her to get mad at him like she got mad at Manny earlier. But she wants that because she knows he can take a little yelling: she loves that about him, in fact. And at least his hotel room won't go to waste: Gloria will sleep at the hotel while Jay takes Manny home.
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PHIL: That's the point, Claire! It was overkill. You're the type of person who can be twice as scary without makeup.
Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) and Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) are trying to get their Halloween costumes right because Cam lost some weight. Of course, the costume shop still figured Cam would be the bull and Mitch be the matador, but there's actually a bigger problem. Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) wanted to go as a princess again (rather vociferously, I might add) because a tired Mitchell once told Lily her real mom was a princess and was very busy, so she let Mitchell and Cameron take care of her. Mitchell didn't know she would hang onto a bedtime story like that, but she did. And since Mitch didn't own up to it, Cam couldn't figure out why Lily was so obsessed with princesses. (MITCH: Oh, like we weren't at that age?)
While Jay (Ed O'Neill) was unable to charm his way out of a ticket, or to get Gloria (Sofía Vergara) to not be pregnancy-induced ticked off, Manny (Rico Rodriguez) actually picked up some street cred with the other students. To clear his mind for a test, he was practicing his Gene Kelly dance moves in the hall...as one does...and he accidentally hit the fire alarm. Because of that, all of the students didn't have to take a test and were grateful to him because of it. Although one of his friends (in a California Angels uniform) told him not to join them at the park later because he had to apologize to the whole school on Monday, his other friend (dressed as a devil) said it was a chance to get in with the cool kids. Although he was certainly in better shape than Claire, because now all of the kids were avoiding the house for trick-or-treat. She even tried to go out in her Little Bo Peep costume to pass out "brand name candy" and only ended up snagging a little girl by accident with her staff and made her parents think it was a kidnapping.
At Mitch and Cam's, they were throwing a party, Cam was beside himself because nobody could see he lost weight under the bull costume, resorting to 'flashing' everybody (not in a perverted way) so they could see his body (actually, that is the perverted way), and Lily suddenly spotted her mommy. Actually, she spotted someone in a princess costume and Mitch had to explain that wasn't her mommy. But later on, Lily told the princess her mommy was one, too, and now Cam wants to know what's going on. Mitchell finally admitted the truth, and Cam brushed it off quickly. Mostly because he's told a few tall tales himself. They decide to tell Lily the truth, that they don't know where her real mommy is. But they convinced her her mommy wanted to put Lily with the most loving family she could, and she did.
Jay and Gloria joined Mitch and Cam, who had changed into a Mr. Roarke costume from Fantasy Island so people could see he lost weight, only to be upstaged by someone who had lost over 100 pounds. Meanwhile, Evel Knievel, or Jay, had to restrain Gloria, who was told she must be dressed as an illegal alien, since she wore an alien costume and...OK, she has a right to be mad on that one. Jay tries to tell her to calm down anyway, mainly because the baby is affecting her mood, and she thinks the baby is angry inside of her. And now she is freaking out about it. But Jay said being defensive about her baby makes him think she'll again be a great mom, which made her feel better. But then the two punks who left dog crap on their lawn earlier arrived and Jay decided a couple of rotten eggs won't hurt the baby much. And as a reward, Gloria let the princess hit on Jay for a few minutes to make him feel better about still being charming. (Jay thought she was a guy in drag.) But at least Jay complimented Cam on losing weight, and Lily decided to be Tattoo to Cam's Mr. Roarke.
Phil (Ty Burrell) wasn't having much more fun trying to run an open house on Halloween. His logic was to pass out candy to the kids and get the bored-out-of-their-mind parents to look at a nice place. That didn't really work, and Claire was just as lonely being shunned by the neighborhood. Suddenly, Claire had an idea. Empty house, Phil by himself, and Claire needing to convince him she can be scary? Well, it turns out it's a lot harder than it looks. Somehow, Claire couldn't scare Phil, but she did leave her Little Bo Beep staff at the door, so now Phil thinks Claire snuck into the house. Phil starts looking around the house for Claire. But then an actual customer comes by, and now Phil is afraid Claire will pop out and scare them. Naturally, Phil goes crazy trying to keep the couple away from Claire. The good news is she still gave him quite a scare after they left. Or was that really her? (mwah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!)
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Actors movie: Modern Family
- Rainer Shine
- Gil Thorpe
- Professor Arvin Fennerman
- Principal Brown
- DeDe Pritchett
- Dom
- Margaret
- Reuben
- Longinus
- Pepper Saltzman
- Ronaldo
- Ben
- Frank Dunphy
- Pameron Tucker
- Andy
- Joe Pritchett
- Dylan Marshall
- Joe Pritchett
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett
- Alex Dunphy
- Haley Dunphy
- Luke Dunphy
- Manny Delgado
- Cameron Tucker
- Mitchell Pritchett
- Phil Dunphy
- Claire Dunphy
- Restaurant Patron
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett
- Jay Pritchett