Buy Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire

In the long ago Maconian empire Krod Mandoon is young, handsome, brave - and very clumsy. (His name is Dork spelt backwards, after all.) With his band of freedom fighters, lusty pagan girlfriend Aneka, devoted ex-slave Loquasto and Zezelryck, a fake sorcerer who talks like the donkey in 'Shrek' he is on a mission to free his mentor General Arcadius. Arcadius has been imprisoned by evil chancellor Dongalor who kills his counsellors for criticizing his trousers and possesses a weapon of mass destruction - which he will activate if he can translate its runic instructions. After a tavern brawl with hostile Myrmidons Krod's group obtain the keys to the dungeons,due to Aneka's sexual wiles rather than any martial skills, and free the General, his camp boyfriend Bruce and other political prisoners. However, the General takes an arrow (or several) intended for Krod and, dying, tells his young disciple that he is now the chosen one who can rid the empire of the evil chancellor. Dongalor captures Krod but he escapes with the help of Horst Draper, one of the prisoners he freed. He also sees off an assassin sent by Dongalor to kill him. He is somewhat put out that Aneka, in the guise of disposing of the enemy, is so free with her sexual favours and splits with her. However, the General appears to him in a vision, explaining that she will help him to get rid of Dongalor and their destinies are entwined. Krod dashes off and saves her from another assassin, who is standing in a line of men waiting to pleasure her. They are reconciled.
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About to part, Aneka and Krod see that they are on Wanted posters, and narrowly avoid being poisoned by an innkeeper after the bounty. Dongalor is visited by Emperor Zanus's nephew Roderick, a weapons inspector who takes a mutual shine to Dongalor's reluctant girlfriend, though the Eye of Gulga Grymna is successfully concealed. To take the heat off them and persuade Dongalor they are dead Zezelryck concocts a potion which simulates death when Krod and Aneka drink it. Their 'bodies' are taken to Dongalor but Krod starts to wake up and they are saved by a handsome mystery man.Dongalor's henchman Barnabus, meanwhile, speaks of a plan that could wipe out all freedom fighters.
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Ralph Longshaft, who saved Krod from Dongalor, turns up with Grimshank, a warlock. They propose to admit Krod and Aneka to the Elite Resistance Council, on condition that they steal the Bloodstone of Alluvia from a scary cyclops. In fact the cyclops turns out to be a camp bi-sexual, known as the bi-clops, but he does try and imprison Krod and his gang though Aneka wounds him and they escape with the Bloodstone. They give it to the council but Krod is a little put out when, despite their places as council members, Aneka leaves him to go off on a 'sailing' weekend with Ralph. Dongalor wins back his girlfriend from Roderick but she dies of the plague - very rapidly. He does seek consolation in the fact that he has mysteriously acquired the Bloodstone for himself. It is a key to activating the Eye.
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Grimshank tells the freedom fighters that if Dongalor can activate the Eye it will wipe out whole cities. In the belief that a pagan woman's tears can activate it Dongalor captures all the village women but totally fails to make them cry, for it is a known fact that pagan women never weep. Aneka returns from her 'sailing' weekend with Ralph but Grimshank feels she is at risk of capture from Dongalor and gets Ralph to take her to his villa. They have sex but Ralph tells her it is meaningless. Krod and the other men are told by Grimshank to light a beacon to alert the resistance to Dongalor's plan to activate the Eye. They have a run-in with three glamorous demons, succubi, and an incubus, a pretty boy for Bruce, but kill them ,and Krod lights the beacon which promptly goes up in smoke, Seeing this, Grimshank tells Aneka that Krod is dead. She does love him after all and bursts into tears. Grimshank bottles them and gives them to Dongalor, along with the news of Krod's death.
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Seeing notices announcing his death,Krod and his band assume Grimshank has betrayed them and, helped by his ex-wife Agnes, sneak into his room,stealing Aneka's tears and a dog's tooth he wears, the loss of which renders him powerless. He explains that he only acted as he did to get into Dongalor's confidence and stop the activation of the Eye. Dongalor arrives and Ralph, the real traitor, who is greedy for wealth, gives him the tears. In the ensuing fight Ralph kills Grimshank and Aneka saves Krod by killing Ralph. Dongalor tells Krod that they are brothers-in-law as he was once married to Krod's long- estranged crazy sister. Krod destroys the Eye, knocking Dongalor and Barnabus out of the window. They land in a tree,which Dongalor's mad son, Homunculus, attempts to fell with a hatchet whilst Aneka and Krod inspire the locals to steal Dongalor's gold and mules.
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