Buy Count Arthur Strong

When comedian Max Baker dies his son Michael reluctantly agrees to write his biography which brings him into contact with Max's old comedy partner, the self-important purveyor of malapropisms Count Arthur Strong. Arthur takes Michael - and a foot spa - to the local café, where he erroneously believes they are offering two teas for the price of one. Back home Arthur subjects Michael to his Memory Man act but ends up having an accident with the foot spa. Next day Arthur attends Max's funeral, giving a speech which reduces Michael to tears when Arthur declares how much Max loved his son, a fact of which he was unaware. However the day ends in disaster when Arthur's friends tuck into the funeral spread and one has an accident.
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Michael discovers that Arthur has been advertising various services - including as a life studies model, with shocking results - on cards in a newsagent window and suggests he would reach a wider audience by going online, so he lends him a computer. However Arthur uses it to send abusive messages in Michael's name, so it is swiftly confiscated. To atone for this Michael agrees to join Arthur on his Jack the Ripper tours, which he runs from an ice cream van. However disaster strikes when angry kids learn that they do not sell ice cream and take appropriate action. Written by don @ minifie-1
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When an actor falls ill Count Arthur is offered a small role in a radio play though he soon confuses and annoys his co-stars and writer at the table reading, where they discuss their parts in high-flown terms whilst Arthur just wants to get at the buffet. However, when he gets the young leading man drunk minutes before the recording it looks as if he will end up filling the breach and being the star of the show. Michael meanwhile spends an afternoon buried underneath boxes whilst searching for a letter to his father from Elvis Presley - or was it Tommy Steele? Written by don @ minifie-1
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When a riot erupts in the street outside the café staff and patrons lock themselves in the back room for safety. Arthur, who assumes the ruckus has been caused by the butcher selling two chops for the price of one, decides to entertain everybody with his selection of songs from the shows. However, they find it torturous and a fight breaks out. Michael manages to quell it by singing 'Moon River' and finds himself in a duet with Arthur. Written by don @ minifie-1
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Following Arthur's latest job as a dog walker Michael gets bitten by one of the dogs, fulfilling mad Pole Katya's prophesy of doom. Michael is taken to casualty by Arthur, who, in his quest for a comfortable seat, is mistaken for a doctor, a role he relishes, having once played Doctor Two in a television soap. However, this is bad news for Michael, about to undergo a biopsy to test for rabies, though for Arthur there is worse news to come, bringing the prophesy true. Written by don @ minifie-1
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Following the death of Katya Arthur becomes reclusive and convinced that she is not happy so he summonses the café regulars to a séance, drawing a protective pentangle on the magic blackboard to ward off evil spirits. Though the spirit message reads I Smell Good. Give Bricks To the Baby I Superstar Arthur ' Arthur eventually realizes that Katya will never be at peace until he has buried her artificial leg and so a burial is conducted. Michael then leaves London, making a gift of his book to Arthur. Written by don @ minifie-1
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Michael returns from a stay in York to find that Arthur has written a racist, er, racy novel for the over-70s, Fifty Crates of Plates, and Michael passes it to his agent Sheila for her consideration. Then he discovers that the central characters are called Michael and Sheila so a plan is hatched to steal the manuscript whilst Sheila is away for the weekend and substitute another with different names. Posing as 24 hour painters Arthur and Michael break into the house, unaware that Sheila's relations are house sitting. They may not get the book back but at least they get to see 'Captain Phillips', the DVD Sheila's brother-in-law is watching.
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Arthur recalls how fifty years ago he fell for a girl called Eileen but she rejected him to go with a man from the Royal Air Force so Michael decides it would be a nice present for Arthur to give him a taste of life in the clouds and books him a flying lesson. Unfortunately at the airfield Arthur meets another novice pupil, young Jeremy, and both mistake the other for the instructor and zoom up and away. At 2000 feet Arthur discovers that Jeremy was also jilted and persuades him to impress his girlfriend by flying to win her back. Arthur bails and back on the ground a surprise awaits him.
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Kept awake by midnight roadworks Arthur tries to persuade local election candidate J. P. Cooling to put a stop to them but gets little joy. As a result he puts himself forward as a candidate with his slogan, We're Listening' - which is something he tends not to do as he goes on the knocker, until he is temporarily deafened and agrees with everybody. This puts him way ahead in the polls but then he is called upon for a photo shoot with his rival with less than happy results.
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Having seen the psychiatric assessment of Arthur for his failed audition for 'Celebrity Flat Share' café owner Bulent is convinced that Arthur is a dangerous psychopath. Meanwhile a rogue plumber who has been ripping off the cafe's customers makes the mistake of calling on Arthur to repair his boiler and as a result of Arthur's well-meaning but misunderstood eccentricities decides to change for the better.
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Annoyed when another writer is the subject of a newspaper article Michael is pleased when he learns that he is to be featured in a television interview. However he is afraid that Arthur, who has taken over from the late Billy the Living Statue, will upstage him - which he does. To make himself seem more interesting Michael tells a lie which rebounds on him and once more Arthur steals the limelight - though this time unintentionally.
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After all his trousers catch fire Arthur moves in with Michael and they immediately clash over what to watch on television whilst a trip to buy more trousers ends in Arthur's arrest after he mistakes the lift for a changing room. An exasperated Michael now befriends café regular John and is accused of disloyalty by Arthur so waitress Sinem organizes a group therapy session to heal matters.
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After seeing off a cold caller Arthur is outraged to see that on the Psychic Hotline television channel somebody has stolen his mind reading act. He goes to the studio to complain and, as a result, is employed as a TV psychic but the fame goes to his head, unsettling his friends. Michael also has good news when a Hollywood director wants him to go to America to work on a film screen-play though, having recently found love with Sinem, he is undecided. After he has had a conversation with Arthur both men realise what they should do for the best.
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Arthur faces being barred from the café for telling fortunes but, after Michael introduces him to his agent Philippa and her partner Monica, the women mistakenly believe Arthur is a spiritualist and ask him to exorcise their supposedly haunted house. So, he enlists his friends to simulate a haunting which they film. Unfortunately they also get drunk on crème de menth and fall asleep, after wrecking the house.
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When Michael is called for jury service Arthur decides to go along to support him with other café customers. However ex-con John the Hat's criminal associates mistake Arthur for a powerful gangster, which is fine for Bulent when they try to extort protection money from him but less so for Michael when CCTV appears to show Arthur offering him a bribe. However both are exonerated when Arthur brings to justice the villains and a corrupt judge, accidentally of course.
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Arthur is playing a chief inspector in a murder mystery evening when he gets knocked down by a bus. Bystanders seeing his warrant card believe he is a real policeman and get him to investigate a possible murder case. The café regulars assume that his actions are due to concussion but in fact he is disproving their view that he cannot act.
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In trying to avoid going to an audience participation laden show with Sinem, Michael instead attends Arthur's Soupover (an old man version of a sleepover) and comes to regret it.
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Granted three wishes, Arthur wastes two but for the third gets Michael to drive him to Sheffield to meet up again with ex-band member John Shuttleworth to discover why their group split up. He soon finds the answer - disagreement over which vegetable to celebrate in song. After Michael loses all his money Arthur tries to win it back at pool- but fails .However returning home they find John has turned up for a band reunion.
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Seeing a sign advertising Free Biscuits Arthur goes into a building and before long finds he has joined the Church of Scientology. He believes this has brought him luck when he gets work in a series of advertisements, finds money in the street and wins the café in a poker game. It needs Michael to bring him down to earth to make Arthur realize that it was greed, not religion, that gave him his lucky streak.
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Michael feels aggrieved that Arthur has again forgotten his birthday, unaware that his friend has organized a surprise trip to a safari park for him and other café patrons. Predictably the cheap car breaks down in the rain with lions roaming nearby but fortunately Arthur's rudimentary mechanical skill saves the day and Michael learns just how much everybody appreciates him, returning him home in time for his date with Sinem - after a thoroughly nerve-shattering day out.
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